Everton v Spurs

Hello. Its that weekend thing again starring the royal blue wearing dreamboats of L4 4EL doing all sorts of boss things that makes your heart go whooooaah.

You know it’s going sound when you struggle to stop yourself drifting off into EFC thoughts all through the week. Staring at the rear of the car in front this week on the way to work I was projecting onto its back window neat interplay from the left resulting in our ace big forward sweeping it away without a second thought. I obviously looked a tit to that particular driver if he bothered to check his rear mirror but who’s arsed? Everton are ace. For now.

So onto the tenth game of the season, which means we’ve already hit the quarter mark. It’s been relatively ace after a frustrating initial start. These next six games will show our mettle though as we face Spurs, them melts over the park, United and Arsenal.

As repeated oles rang out on Villa soil you knew that this was an Everton away win that you´d remember for a while. The type of day that makes up for the bag of frustrations on other days. Really nice to see Everton vigorously counter attack teams when they gain a lead too instead of dropping ten yards back.

Swashbuckling attacking Everton teams with a Kevin on one flank and a Steven on the other are no bad thing as history has shown us. Not that this is any prelude to continental dominance. No chance, different game these days and were relative paupers compared to the elite. But your weekends are boss when we do tremendous things and that’s a simple science. Obviously if this is any sort of Everton team then we will take a meek bumming next game out to piss on any sort of momentum we were foolishly thinking of building.

Those next opponents are Tottenham Hotspur, shortened to Spurs for the rest of the preview. That preview will be a wee bit more difficult as its one of the teams I don’t mind too much so I can’t fill the rest of this unloved webpage with cheap jibes and poor typecasting about how bad meffs they are.

Well I could point to having Chas n Dave as mascots, Tottenham Court Road being as welcoming as a Kenyan Mall, their over confidence in the semi final of 1995 and Harry Redknapp but that would be a bit harsh on Spurs who are the more tolerable element of southern football.

Why? Well the lack of entitlement and history around the place. Some cracking players (but ultimately weak natured teams) over the decades and the fact that they’re not Arsenal. Who really are melts. But those kind words are a bit hollow as come Sunday afternoon I’ll despise the scruffy tits trying to deny us a nice Sunday and the three points which should always belong to us, no matter who were playing or how sh*te we are. So we’ll have to stir some sort of hostility towards them. Lid v Yids if you will.

Southall’s save. Sniff that.

I look on with causal envy at the people owning Spurs as they run a tight ship and inject actual money into the club either on the proviso that they really want to see them do ace things or they want to make them more valuable to sell, or hell, even both. One thing they rarely get done over on is selling their players on the cheap. They’ve been the very model of buying cheap and selling high – and obviously for that bold statement I’m ignoring all the absolute crud they do buy in midfield and end up loaning out to Portsmouth.

The Bale fee was way, way over the top. A talented player granted but there’s no value like that on any player to a team. As a result they went out and spunked a shed load of money on supposed boss players who on closer inspection I had barely heard of. Now to be a successful uber-fan in the modern game you need to cherish your virginity and delve into various football management sims or FIFA ultimate something. It’s a far cry from League Challenge on the Atari 800XL where – just for the record – it was worth keeping hold of Kevin Richardson and Alan Harper at the end of the season as their statistics could both go to a 9 for the next season such was the randomness of the cassette tape data.

Back to my point we need to pipe down as a whole over players and their stats and how boss they would be playing as an inverted winger for us. The amount of shouts for Bilyaletdinov to be moved behind the striker was absolute madness. He was going to be crap wherever we played him, we didn’t need OPTA for that, just your eyes watching someone who had the close control of peak time Delhi train.

The foreign football phenomenon is all the rage. Finding a gem from the Estonian or Chilean leagues is boss I’m sure on a Hewlett Packard but its fraught with dangers in the real world. I learned this after telling half my estate how Stefan Rehn and Ray Atteveld was going to tear the back out of all comers in a schexy new Everton schystem, only to look an utter tit when they got volleyed up the pipe by a limited grock and turned out rubbish.

So yes Spurs have all these shiny new players with exotic names and stuff but have you watched them over 90 minutes or just been wowed by a Match Of The Day highlight or a YouTube video when stoned? So I’ve gone way off my point but Spurs have got a task to get them not only competent in their new league but to be winning matches to push the top four as they wish.

The good news is for them at the moment is that they’re winning matches without even trying. They are a few people’s dark horses but then that’s not really saying much, Spurs are perennial dark horses and will be until the Sun dies and swallows the planet.

Big money was splurged on Soldado who has that thing of a top class footballer that doesn’t walk but glides across the pitch. Is he any good at scoring in this league? From the penalty spot so far aye. Annoying viper toothed little man syndrome beaut Jermaine Defoe is not bad to bring on as sub if need be.

Trying to second-guess their midfield is futile, there’s a whole squadron of them that can be played at any one time. They’ll all have socks above their knees and coloured boots with their own name stitched in them. They’ll have £200 haircuts and rip the arse out of your defence if you stand off them or let them get two nil up. You didn’t come here to learn about the opposition players so look them up yourself if you’re that interested.

If they have done their homework they will have noticed our last three goals from the same three metre squared spot on the pitch so perhaps instead of man marking Spurs may keep a ragged defensive midfielder patrolling this area?

Its safe to say defence has long been an Achilles heel of Spurs over the years. Assembled expensively and superb at bringing the ball out of defence, not so good when you have an ace striker wanting to have fun with them. Normally this is not a worry of Spurs teams when facing Everton but this season – and probably for this season alone – it’s a bit different. Kaboul – fresh from injury and The Rock bootcamp – played 120 minutes the other night so will probably sit this out.

Which leaves Dawson and Chiriches who wouldn’t look out of place trying to sell you a teenth outside Goodison as the long night draws in. Vertonghen plays left back and new age right back Kyle Walker will turbo up the wing. Tin-Tin extra and runner up in the most French looking person in the world after any of the Pink Panther stereotypes Hugo Lloris will play in goal.

So Everton will be a bit easier to predict who will play by virtue of having less players them being our team. A word on that though I do think the decent start has been assisted loads by us having a bit of a squad. We have brought in players who will feasibly challenge for the spot they specialise in which has upped things a bit. Tim Howard is cautious now as he has that Spanish goalie with so many teeth he is always on the verge or breaking out into an apologetic smile wanting that goalie shirt, whereas previous his aim was not to catch plutonium poisoning from Jan Mucha´s toxic Chernobyl cranium.

We´ve not even seen much of Deulofeu or the Paraguayan of the Paul McGrath injured but boss mystique. Add Barkley and lesser so Stones starting to press on into the squad and there´s options rather than a Moyes team picking itself. Me-ow.

Lukaku is sound, as sound as were likely to get up front for a long time. I´ve gave out sufficient platitudes in previous previews so I´m gonna pass him over this week before getting right back on it before the next game.

The only change this week may come behind the Belgian hotshot. Osman to his credit came on and changed the game in our favour against Villa. Its always been his best position but seldom has he had the change to play with with ace Australians in his way. Unluckily for him Barkley will put pay to that too but there´s all sorts of talk of rests. We´ll see. Pienaar and Mirallas will provide some threat from out wide hopefully.

Match Of The Day is currently hot on the case of the moody tackles we´ve been doing so were best swerving them for a wee while so the tools can move onto to someone else. No one was hurt in the making of Everton´s decent start to the season so they can pipe down for a while. Barry and McCarthy will be tested in this game though.

Jagielka and Distin are the best weve got at centre back for the time being but its been a couple of games since we´ve seen the Baines and Coleman take turns to pieces at pilfering less than certain opposition wings. Hope its this one we get to see it, certainly Spurs will press on more so hopefully they´ll leave some space to exploit out there.

Can’t help but think Tim Howard would be an absolute shoe in if popular board game Guess Who made their own movie, that apart he was fantastic against Villa. Everything that was threw at him he was all over, like his compatriots monitoring an international phone call. Speaking of which do you think Angela Merkel has contemplated if they CIA was at any point listening in to her speaking grot to her fella when she’s alone in a Brussels hotel for the week? If during your youth you came across any moody German VHS that started with Jung Und then you’d know full well the Teutonic propensity for filth, its quite exceptional.

A positive preview then but scratch beneath the surface and were very much still a team in transition and will be for most of this season. We continue to gift too many easy chances for the opposition, and when we play someone really good – like Spurs this weekend – we are going to get punished one day soon. It’s a natural combination of many things but noticeable that we are playing much higher up the pitch. As long as were winning who’s arsed?

Footie is one game at a time but in the next month as previously alluded, we´ll find out exactly where this swanky Everton team is at. Who knows, that same swanky team could be second.

And that is that. You want everyone to get excited about this new age of ultra fusball Everton? Well do you? Turn up with the bit between your teeth and pound them until they cry no more on Sunday then. Failing that a sloppy and extremely lucky one nil will do. What’s our name?

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