Aston Villa v Everton

You ready? Course you are. And even if you’re not it doesn’t really matter does it? Your weekend mood determiner is upon us again with a tricky yet winnable away game to the ‘banter ridden’ yokels of central England. More as that as we come to it, Jim.

Nice for it to get to Thursday and it clicks in your head that you’ll get your next dose of Everton in a couple of days time. Like when you meet a new bird and she’s sound and you do dirty weekends in B&Bs round the north west, or the F1 in town when you’re wrecked and her dar doesn’t let you sleep in the same bed. But never ever Jamaica House. Sack that. OK, maybe we’ve done it out of desperation/misplaced opportunism.

The Hull game was toight – like a tiger – and we done well to take three points out of a game we barely done enough to win. Hull have got that back in the big time bit between their stained teeth and coupled with some athletic grocks they done very well indeed at Goodison. But Martinez’s Globetoggerers had the class to get the job done and we’re sat healthy in the table in the slipstream of those setting the pace.

LOL @ Barry’s tackles making them fume by the way.

This week’s visit to the very capital of Bellarus itself. When they speak its like playing a 78 record on 33. It makes it all the more ridiculous when they try to banter you, and f*ck me sh*te banter is the currency of the midlands. “Tuk a day off work for the game scause? Oh I forgot you don’t have a job ahahaha.” You can insert hashtags wherever you want at this part. “cum back when yooove won a European Cup.”.

I would happily forfeit all of Everton’s achievements in the history of association football if it meant I didn’t have to be brought up and reside in the midlands you scruffy dull plebs.

It’s a proven scientific fact that nothing on the planet worth having has ever come from the midlands so its with that in mind that we review their best team’s current crap players. They are struggling a bit after a bright opening day victory against Arsenal had every kneejerk know-f*ck-all on social media up and down the country enthusing about how boss they were about to come. Or in other words, an outbreak of acute kopiteism.

The Villas Ultras run round goshing windscreens on away fans cars to mark their territory and as display of their sh*t city alpha-ism. They the man. Shame that everything else about them screams back rows of Greaty clobber specials. It’s like a poorly funded BBC period drama for 1981. F*cked if you’re going to Villa Park with a muzzy and a scouse accent as there’s a hundred nicker bounty on Yozzer Hughes still to this day.

Coupled with being subject to the Holte End Sh*te Bell Orchestra its one of the more tedious away days but a boss arl ground and the possibility of seeing smelly tattooed waps raging at their own players when we go three up counter that somewhat.

Last game out for them was a easy enough 2-0 away win for Spurs in a game marred by a smoke bomb being launched at a linesman. I used the word marred to be in line with the over reactive media. Yeah its clearly bang on but it was akin to being hit on the back by a liquorice-less sherbet fountain in 1986. Of course in these modern days if you don’t come out in some form of social media to condemn that week’s outrage then the Daily Mail are going to print nasty stories about you and paint you as a communist. Everyone can get to f*ck, and boss shot to that lid that threw it.

I’m not going to pretend I watch Villa often so know their tactics and system but I seen them on and off against Spurs, and they were a bag of warmed up sh*te. A defence that is to clean sheets what dogsh*t is to the new trabs.

Speaking of which, adidas Torsion were boss, ace trabs that looked good and were dead comfy circa early nineties. That was until you stood in dogsh*t and, well, that cut out bit in the sole made boss pooch-turd cup cakes. “you best not have walked that in on my new carpet, get out the back now and get the hose on them while I get the bleach and look where you’re walking next time soft lad…”.

Hands up I liked Paul Lambert as a manager on the basis of his Norwich teams which played good football and weren’t afraid to put their foot in. Sure he thinks he´s boss for using Timotei instead of Vosene but there was something tangible about his footie until he joined Villa. Maybe it’s the crushing weight of the boring void that is Villa weighing heavy on him but don’t let Benteke cloud your judgement on him, he’s made some utter crud signings. And its reflected in their first team.

Benteke is their main man and should return for this after some injury glitch which bad news for us as he makes a big difference in their final third of the field not just in his ability to score goals but making the ball stick for them and creating chances for others. In terms of his quality he stands out in this Villa team like a blonde haired child in a Greek gyspy camp. He’ll be not there next season like.

The wee Teutonic faced weeble Weimann is not flavour of the month so will likely make way for an Agbonlahor and Benteke partnership. That’s indeed if they choose to play two up front. Their last win was against Man City where they had some success with a 5-3-2 formation so they could go for that again. And that’s your lot for any type of tactical talk.

Second guessing their midfield and wings is a lottery as they have a collection of equally sh*te players who can take any place at any given time. Its like midfield communism such is the consistency of their toshness. Eight million man, yes that’s how much they paid for him, Fabian Delph has recently been showing some form and a degree of competence at midfield play anyway. Just wait until Barry snides him back at his former club. Its been over used but Libor Kozak really does look like he’s looking into the back of a large dessert spoon though, whether he’s any good at footie? F*ck knows. Suppose we’ll find out.

Whilst I may have been unduly cruel to a shedload of unknown signings in their midfield its not a stretch of the truth to claim that their defence is atrocious. Baker? Vlaar? Lowton? Luna? And Brad Kuzan in goal who looks perpetually like he’s going through some time apart from his bird and has Adele on his CD Walkman on repeat.

If an in form Everton team decide to make an appearance tomorrow then barring a tit referee or unfortunately smoke bomb maiming accident then we should tonk these out of sight.

You may be wondering which Everton team were going to put out to grab the frustrating draw/one goal loss then?

Lukaku had his quietest game so far for us last time out but part of that would be to discredit how wonderfully Curtis Davies played him. Some parts of the media will label this as a high noon showdown for the Belgian sole forward position up front and I’m not going to start bragging he’s better than Benteke but he’s certainly up against crapper defenders. With a strong black coffee down him there could be casual afternoon rape here.

Mirallas was a bit weird in that he didn’t really do much but scored one and set up the other on Saturday which is sort of what he does. He is capable of making the magic happen as much as he’s capable of being anonymous and sulked off the pitch on the hour mark. He was bigging up Martinez this week, well ok he said he’s boss because he speaks Spanish compared to Moyes. WATZ HE DOIN HERE IF WONT SPEAK R LANGUAGE I don’t hear you cry. Anyway, he needs to get into some type of form as were ace when he is playing well.

Pienaar happily returned as a sub and is someone who needs to find some sort of form. I thought under Martinez he’d be more influential, maybe he may be, its better than Osman doing his Canderel version of him out there. Barkley may play behind Lukaku but I noted his manager saying about not wanting to burn him out this week so that could be a prelude for Naismith or Osman to start there.

McCarthy is flavour of the month amongst blues with his run around like a man possessed harassing the opposition being absolute methamphetamine for blues. What is often missed is his sure touch, good use of space and covering for others. He’ll always be lumped with the £13m price tag but by showing his form early on it will be less of course when he inevitable runs out of form. Out of the blue it’s a good thing that him and Barry seem to have made one very fine midfield pairing. Barry will have to watch his step over the next couple of weeks as Match Of The Day and the like have a hard on for his tackles, which were very poor ones to fair, but a spot of opposition maiming can be overlooked by blues in the afterglow of victory. Well in lid.

Jagielka and Distin didn’t play well at all, particularly on set pieces where better teams would have punished us. Whilst were urged to be patient the total football project for our centre halves doesn’t really suit their game and were only one mistake in that area in a moody defeat away from the angry opinionated man in the corner of the pub bursting a blood vessel. Rage is contagious amongst our tribes too. I’d leave them to play their natural game until we’ve got a ball playing centre half, like 2010’s John Heitinga or this new exotic Paraguayan lid who will only play seven games for us before leaving on a free to Hoffenheim. Shave your beard Tim you look a tit, is in goal.

So it’s a game up for grabs just make sure you have your banter proof overalls on and leave the rest to the snazzy brown shoes on the sidelines.

And that’s as a wrap as they’d say. Congratulations if you made it this far and enjoy your weekend.

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