Everton v Newcastle

So it’s all about the league, well until early January at least.

The week could have been so much better but then so could many things, in fact maybe Everton are a metaphor for your life and that’s why you follow them you borderline sadist.

Its around this point where as a defence mechanism for many we pretend to be not arsed about another cheap exit out of the easiest cup to win and with it a valued path into Europe. A game of two opposing halves and the bones have been picked out of what should have been done but that’s dead easy when you have the hindsight of the full time result. Anyway, I just wish we’d take the competition seriously as its one we haven’t won and its eighteen years since our last pot – which is far far too long for Everton. If you know your history.

It would be unfair to be doom and gloom as were doing sound in the league so far and we did do a lot of changes against Fulham. The West Ham game was boss for many reasons but the main ingredients being coming from behind away from home with a late winner. Weekend things don’t get much better. Some ace things from ace players bode well for the fixtures to come.

Speaking of fixtures to come it’s a tasty morsel up next with a visit of the great north eastern travelling circus to L4. I’m gonna swerve the circus puns but you’re guaranteed freaks and thrills galore. So slap wor lass when pissed, blindside a horse and take your Big Top (sorry) off for the lads – it’s everybody’s seventh favourite club: Noocassell man.

They are prized f*cking plums. Normally we can give a walk over to some clubs with wacky fans and questionable behaviour but these jarg Scottish teds have excelled continually for years in the fine arts of beautism. They have at the heart of it all an insecure collective need for attention and love from the media and other club’s fans.

Now we see that a lot of late but Evertonians have long memories and an allergy to scrotes. So when Newcastle were busy in their glory days, snigger, of finishing second and scoring/conceding loads of goals they milked every f*cking second of it. Like a bad tit finding pure lemo for the first time, look at them f*cking go. Mr All That.

They made the mistake of trying to look down their nose at Everton who were a roasted bag of sh*te at the time, despite them winning the sum total of next to nothing and having a history of being a perennial yo yo club. They even manage to pull the wool over the eyes of many with their supposed passionate and plentiful support, forgetting that there are attendance records from when they were in the lower divisions in the seventies and eighties.

As part of this particular nauseous cocktail you can throw in modern day whopper representations like Joe Kinnear, f*cking hell imagine that as your director of football the arl pervy get, and Alan Pardew who has a long history of trying to patronise Everton only to end up looking like the inept melt he is. What’s going on with his mouth too? He looks like one of them apps where it swaps face parts of different people, he’s seemingly took the bottom half of his face off one of the Royal Family.

You’re going to encounter their travelling support who hopefully swerve turning up in fancy dress this time and as far as away fans go are amicable and not bad sort in direct comparison to when you go up there on home soil and they outnumber you five to one and pretend to be menacing. Sh*thouses. I haven’t touched on the Northumberland Police, Ant & Dec, Raoul Moat, Jimmy Nail and/or that Geordie Shore guff that your bird watches. Just f*ck right off.

But on holiday they’re actually dead sound and alright to have a bevvy with until Wor Steve does a massive cocktail in one and gets his cock out to some teenagers while his wife reverts to default dirt behaviour and noshes off Wazim behind the bar. Do you pity Sunderland? Granted they don’t have to share a city with them but at least Edinburgh to the north and Carlisle to the west have sufficient space crap one laned A-roads to stem the flow.

You’re here for the soccer talk right? Then they do have some actually sound players mixed in with some garbage. Loic Remy was their big buy of the summer and looked the part for QPR briefly after looking very much the part in France. It’s been a feature of Newcastle over the past few years to have some sound strikers, Demba Ba for one and Papal Cisse who’s trying his best to piss them off with his supposed beliefs into selling him.

Cabaye is obviously the man in midfield and a fine player with just the right hint of snide. Arfa is the lid who can hurt the opposition with some dribbling and shooting skills and that frankly take the piss. Get Gareth Barry to stand on his metatarsals early doors. Anita has been playing in midfield but could be replaced by Tiote who looks like a poor attempted Mr T limited edition Cabbage Patch Kid from 1986. I don’t even give a flying f*ck who’s on the other side of midfield.

Defence are very average at best as illustrated by shipping three goals to Hull at home last week. Their goalkeeper is prone to a boss game here or there but is aided by continental drifting of the eyes which are now so far apart that he can actually see in 4D and make ace saves.

Its sh*te having to wait until Monday for this game but its another evening game under floodlights which should enable a moody Goodison more hostile than a luxury mall in Africa.

Speaking of that, can you see a militant group pulling that off in St Johns? Me neither, they’d either be had off by the roaming groups of truanting teenage scals or walk out of there pacified by a pair of borderline moody Adidas Beckenbauer after being charmed by the personable lids on the stalls. “Yeah I know lad its bang on that Palestine like but these will go boss with a pair of dark jeans. Try them on if you like lad, half the price of JD.”

The spark that fired the fightback against West Ham was the introduction of our new number 17. Lukaku gets a lot of us excited because, apart from being ace, he’s seemingly just a fantastic striker who has it all – like someone cheating on Pro Evo and putting all his attributes maxed up. Were hyper excitable when it comes to boss strikers because they’ve been in short supply around our club for a number of reasons, false dawns with Jelavic (before he lost his mind) and Yakuku (before he got injured and fat) haven’t helped. So when we see a forward doing tremendous things in our kit then were all over it.

A game winning second half performance invoked these feelings and were round off with what is absolute catnip for blues: a big centre forward bravely scoring a headed goal. Although Lukaku didn’t class heads at all, I urge you to study the super HD slo mo to see there was absolutely no contact. What happened is that he just realised at that exact moment how boss Everton really are and had to have a lie down for five minutes to regain himself. We’ve all been there.

Barkley was notably missed against Fulham although there will be times he will need a break during the season – right at this point he’s in form and makes a difference to the team. Especially against a team who will be content to sit deep and make us break them down. Mirallas looks to be playing himself into a bit more form which can only be a good thing as he’s an ace player and a very credible goal threat for us. Naismith scored against Fulham but will be twitching a bit through Deulofeu’s first half performance. I’m gonna conveniently forget the second half performance similar to air brushing the Fulham game out of this week’s preview mostly. Anyway, we’ll see won’t we? Pienaar will still be out for this.

That leaves a little battle royale for the two spots in centre mid. Barry will have his name on one of them and its between Gibson, McCarthy and Osman for the other one. Personally I’d go for Gibson although in time when I work out what McCarthy does then he’ll probably put up a challenge for one of them two spots.

The five at the back didn’t really put forward too many answers again but its still early days so maybe in time. At the moment our back four picks itself with from left to right: Baines, Distin, Jagielka and Coleman all in various fine stages of form. Stones will be troubling that at some point but not just yet. It would be amiss not to reference Baines’ contribution in our last league game but if you was a Premier League goalkeeper right now you’d fancy yourself against a rogue Syrian chemical scud than you would against Baines from 25 yards. Howard plays in goal with a beard that he’ll wince on viewing in fifteen years from now. Like the time you maybe tried to grow a jarg goatee before your face had hit its full pubic potential.

I can’t see the midweek cup defeat taking too much out of the team but away from the poor cheap stereotyping and dismissing of Newcastle’s team it will be another tough task. They are set up nicely to play Everton on the counter and will be hungry for a result.

Three wins on the bounce however would send us into October far prettier than we usually are and as has been noted too many times in these samey previews; momentum is a peculiar driving force in football. Its far too early to be eyeing places or prizes in the season so on a game to game basis a simple wish is get f*cking right into these Everton.

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