Oldham vs Everton

It’s that cup time again which is sound because it means were still in it not quite win it. Plus at this time it’s a welcome distraction from the league which is doing our head in at the moment.

In a week where a thousand Russians have been glassed by a meteorite it’s fair to say that anything can happen and that extends to Oldham putting us out of the only thing left we can win.

Of course everyone apart from Evertonians will be wanting an upset and in the past we´ve been generous with providing them. When it comes to surprises we like them as much as a South African sprinter. Although he’s still better over two legs than Liverpool in Europe like. That’s my current affairs quota exhausted you’ll be pleased to know.

The United game was like a re run of most of our games at Old Trafford over the last couple of decades in that we were meeker than a first time joyrider in juvenile court and United ran out comfortable winners without having to work too hard for it. No big surprise really, that’s why they’re absolutely pissing the league I suppose but we had enough to at least trouble them. Like getting a beating off the cock of the year without a single spirited flurry – you were always gonna get beat but you could of at least got a couple of slaps in and earned some grudging respect. Last year’s 4-4 was the equivalent of the smelly lad in the Parka taking a pure maddy and bloodying the nose of the aforementioned cock.

So the fifth round of the FA Cup it is and we could have drawn a much more difficult tie than Liverpool’s conquerors of the previous round Oldham. Not that it won’t stop tits whipping themselves into a ferver in the hope that some sort of cup upset will help them feel better or life, or in reality provide a welcome distraction from their piss poor life.

Because that’s how life is if you’re born or end up residing in Oldham. It is literally the anus of the Pennines and that’s against some seriously strong competition too. You know the score, a nondescript satellite of Manchester with Yewtree looking local “characters” and a smattering of scruffy kids existing in a petri dish of human bacteria.

As with such places the locals try to raise its it’s standing by overcompensating with the humour and supposed banter. “Yeah it’s reet sh*t in t’center of town but you’ll never have a better craic than a night out in Oldham”. Just f*ck right off. Thanks to the onset of the Industrial Revolution there is a railway station in Oldham where trains actually stop so there’s no excuse for packing all your things and getting the f*ck out of there is there?

If you’re going then prepare for meet at least three generations of townfolk brought up on a steady diet of chips. Like some weird Sputnik neon dream there’s some weird haircuts floating around too. You’ll encounter Daz and his mates Baz and Waz who think they’re the f*cking bees knees because they drink ten pints on a Friday and finger the local tragic girls.

Of course we’re here for the football so when it comes down to that, well, it’s a reflection of the town really as their players are sh*te which makes it all the better than they put the mighty LF and C out of the cup in the last round. We know what were gonna get, smited lower league players pissed off that they got jibbed off from Blackburn’s YTS scheme wanting to poke their fingers in the eye of players earning ten times as much as them. And fair play to them, why not? So if any of our bone idle bells shirt out of any tackle or have a not arsed day I’ll be particularly fuming with them. It was only five years ago that Oldham put us out of the FA Cup and the ghost of Frankie Bunn still haunts the quite frankly Baltic Boundary Park pitch to this day.

Matt Smith, the big gormless lump, was the cup hero in the last round and should be fit enough to start against us. If Heitinga starts then we all know the outcome and it would involve another big grock putting the absolute sh*ts up our previously boss Dutch centre back. Hopefully Distin’s back, anyway, f*ck off Matt.

Jose Baxter is turning out for Oldham and doing really well. He was one of our previous next big things out of which only Rooney has turned out quite that way from a long list including the recently jailed Michael Branch, Danny Cadamateri and Jack Rodwell. The lad took a risk by jibbing off a contract with Everton to try and play footie so apart from when he’s playing us, good luck to him. I’m conveniently swerving the admission in the next round that he’s a kopite too.

Are you arsed about their other players if I give you a couple of words about them? No, neither am I. They’ve just lost John Spencer’s stunt double as a manager and are doing sh*t in the league so there’s literally no excuse for messing this up Everton.

Anichebe limped off in the last game so he’s probably a doubt for this which gives Jelavic a chance to turn into the player he was twelve months ago when we all thought we’d somehow nabbed a Gerd Muller – Davor Suker fusion on the sly. Nothing’s every easy at L4 but we live in hope. That means that Fellaini will be deployed behind the striker as usual and with the added duty of blocking their grocks on set pieces into our own box. Cup soccer!

The midfield should contain Darron Gibson and Leon Osman with Pienaar and Mirallas on the wings. This is also a good time to mention that Ross Barkley is back from another loan spell and will likely spend the rest of the season at the club. I’d like to see him be given a game as it’s frustrating as f*ck to watch him and Oviedo overlooked while Naismith and his too small legs run without much purpose up and down the sides of the pitch. Come on, he might just turn into a boss player you know?

As mentioned earlier it will be nice to see Distin return to centre back along with Jagielka and even Neville, faded like a t shirt hanging on the line too many times, at right back as it simply means that Heitinga is nowehere near the defence. That’s not nice to write but it’s true. He’s a nightmare at the moment and is good for costing us a goal or two per game. Coleman is still a week away from fitness and Baines is at left back. It feels good writing that last bit every single week and I loathe the day it changes. I think Wessels was in goal when Oldham put us out of the cup so hopefully the meteoroid headed Mucha will be swerved and Howard keeping the goal sometimes safe for us there.

Special last mentioned reserved for our manager this week and quite simply Moyes can f*ck off with all this will he won’t he. To my knowledge there’s only been one other manager in our history that’s sacked us off when Kendall headed for the sangria and European football of Bilbao in 1987. Moyes knows he’s in the great position of his employer needing him more than he needs them but this whole thing could sour the memories of what’s been a decent eleven years for us. You´re managing Everton and to us that´s still a pretty big deal David.

Nothing more to say other than beat them, beat them like a ginger stepchild Everton.

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