Jokes Thread

The priest in a small village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.
 

Dylan said:
Lordy is this one awful:

My marriage is over. I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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I like this one, made me chuckle, I'll tell that sometime after a few beers.
 

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Saturday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff!”



She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?” :eek:
 
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A woman walks into a dry cleaners. As she drops off her dress she says something under her breath and turns to leave. The owner, not quite hearing what she said, says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
 

Mikey_Fitzgerald said:
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar, and they're all friends so the night goes on without incident


Wait....I've done that wrong haven't I?
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A catholic, a Jew, a Protestant, a Muslim and an atheist walk into a bar............




............... where they order some food, have a drink and have a really great evening, because some people aren't complete, utter, dicks ;)
 
Bluesaint said:
A catholic, a Jew, a Protestant, a Muslim and an atheist walk into a bar............




............... where they order some food, have a drink and have a really great evening, because some people aren't complete, utter, dicks ;)
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Again, I think you've made the same error I did


How about this one?

Michael Jackson walks into a bar. He walks up to the barman and says "I'd like a slim line tonic please"

The Barman replies, "No, you're dead"


Did I get it right that time?
 

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