Jokes Thread



Many years ago during my married days, just prior to my divorce.....I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John”, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles.
Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.
So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly.
"She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"



"Still under the cart, I guess."
 
AndyC said:
Many years ago during my married days, just prior to my divorce.....I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John”, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles.
Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.
So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly.
"She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"



"Still under the cart, I guess."
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear about the divorce mate
 
Going to work the other day i seen a friend of mine who was a little on the short side. He was only 4 foot tall standing straight. He was waiting for the bus so i thought i would be nice and i stop and offered him a lift.

'want a lift mate?'
F off'

I was shocked at that response! I just zipped up my backpack and carried on walking.
 

A man gets pulled over on suspicion of drink driving, Copper tells him he needs to breathalyse him.

He pulls out a NHS card that states 'this man is asthmatic, do not breathalyse him'.

Copper tells him 'OK but I need a blood sample instead; he pulls out another NHS card that states, 'this man is Anaemic, do not ask for blood'.

Copper asks him for a urine sample, he pulls out another NHS card that states, 'this man is a LFC season ticket holder, do not take the piss !!!!
 
I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes."

"What the [Poor language removed] happened to you?" I asked.

"This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied.

"That's nonsense," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager last night and my face is fine.
 

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