Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Boss_Blue
I will find you and consensually bum you
*removed*
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...I was offered a job in a mirror shop but I didn't like the thought of seeing myself working there all day.
Policeman attends a routine call about a domestic dispute. After assessing the situation he radios control.
"We now have a murder case. The woman has killed her husband for walking on the floor that she just mopped"
"Do you have her in custody?"
"Not yet, he floors still wet"
"We now have a murder case. The woman has killed her husband for walking on the floor that she just mopped"
"Do you have her in custody?"
"Not yet, he floors still wet"
Cracker joke:
how does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even
how does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even
tim gabbott
Player Valuation: £30m
Paddys in bed with his wife at three o'clock in the morning when the next doors dog keeps barking and wakes them up... Paddy says I'm going to sort this and gets out of bed. 10 minutes later when he gets back into bed and the dog starts barking again. His wife says I thought you were going to sort it. I did paddy says I climbed over the next doors fence and put the dog in our garden.. Let's see how he likes it next door getting woken up by that dog
I was just at the airport trying to pick up my mother
...well, it was dark in that lounge.
************
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
************
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night 'you're a degenerate debauchee'. I said, 'that's a big word for fifth grade!'
***********
One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.
...well, it was dark in that lounge.
************
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
************
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night 'you're a degenerate debauchee'. I said, 'that's a big word for fifth grade!'
***********
One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
First-year students at the Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,
'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example' he said as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his
finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,
'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example' he said as he pulled back the sheet and stuck his
finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
...I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £40 but I think it's two deer.
Q. What do you call a bear who doesn't have a paw?
A. Rupert the B*st*rd.
A. Rupert the B*st*rd.
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says,
"I'm sorry, love. I've got a gynaecology appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
"I'm sorry, love. I've got a gynaecology appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
But I laugh more.
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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