Jokes Thread

[summerisle]

lol

 

[Blue 1]

I saw a lorry drive around a corner earlier and hit a bloke on a bike wearing an Liverpool scarf.

All I can think about was that it could have been me.

I can drive a lorry.

 

[Vintage]

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar
Barman goes , "ahh not you two again"

 

[mezzrow]

 

[Vintage]

A yoghurt came up to me on the street the other day and said "eat me"
It was one of those proactive yoghurts

 

[Groucho]

What’s grey and comes in pints?

Spoiler: Punchline

An elephant

 

[bluerobert]

Trivia: Which Russian has scored the most goals for Everton?

Answer: Bilyaletdinov.

Ask your mates in the pub at the weekend, when the correct answer will be Kanckelskis!

 

[blueloon]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said:
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now.'
Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'
Bartender: What about that eye patch?'
Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them [Poor language removed] in my eye.'
Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird [Poor language removed]?'
Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her . He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing?" The wife replied, " I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages

 

[Dylan]

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now??

Fresh Prints

 

[Sadken]

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now??

Fresh Prints

 

[BigBlueConk]

“After reviewing the footage I don’t think Will Smith did anything wrong, in fact I believe Chris Rock slapped Will Smith.”

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[Ayesha]