Jokes Thread

[Rich1878]

A policeman ?‍ stopped me the other night
He said “can you blow into this bag please sir”
I said “what for ?”
And he said “my chips are hot”

 

[tommytowne]

I have just booked the wife in for a jab, followed by an uppercut and right hook.

Judge asked me why I kept beating my wife.
Superior footwork your honour!

 

[Vintage]

What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

 

[canuckblue]

Geordie moves to Canada and decides to take up ice fishing. He looks around and finds what he feels is the perfect start, and begins to drill a hole in the ice. Suddenly, this voice booms out: "There are no fish here!"
The Geordie looks around and can't see anyone, so he figures he was imagining it and continues drilling.
Again, the voice says, "I said there are no fish here!"
Now the Geordie is convinced he's not imagining things, so he says, "Is that you, God?"
"No, it's the arena manager."

 

[No8Bally]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said,
"My life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For £5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a £5.00 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely naked,streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement".

 

[Zed Car]

I can’t believe all this hullabaloo about Prince Andrew not being able to sweat.
All they have to do is ask me or one of my 9,999 comrades who he brought up and down that hill and they will tell you that we were all sweating buckets afterwards including Andy.

 

[Methuselah]

Novak Djokovic is the only player to lose a major tennis tournament while only missing two shots.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

 

[bluerobert]

So this guy, and this girl, they drive out into the countryside up to lover's lane and the guy makes his move, and the girl says,

"Hey listen, I gotta be honest with you, i'm a hooker"

And the guy says, "Okay" and they agree to £25 (it's an old joke)

So they go in the back and start to really going at it hard, eventually finishing up, as it were, and the guy says,

"Hey listen, I gotta be honest with you too, I'm a cab driver, and it's going to cost you £25 to get back into the city."

You know you could have just updated the amounts to modern day prices and we’d never of known right?

 

[summerisle]

 

[Milk]

David Bennett, the first person to receive a genetically modified pig’s heart transplant, was known by his friends to be upbeat, funny and full of energy

Now, they find him a bit of a boar

 

[Sadken]

David Bennett, the first person to receive a genetically modified pig’s heart transplant, was known by his friends to be upbeat, funny and full of energy

Now, they find him a bit of a bo

 

[Sadken]

He came out in rashers so they gave him some oinkment.

 

[canuckblue]

I guess you really do reap what you sow.

 

[canuckblue]

A well-off chicken farmer decides to buy a parrot. So he does his research and finds one that does a good job of speaking.
All goes well for a few weeks until one day he awakens to find the bird isn't in his cage. He looks all over the house and there's no sign of the parrot. Suddenly, he hears a commotion coming from the henhouse. Fearing a fox is after the hens, he grabs his shotgun and goes to investigate. But instead of a fox, he finds the parrot trying to hump the hens.
"Come here!" he yells and the parrot waddles over. Farmer grabs him and says, "Do that again and you'll pay for it."
He marches back to the house and puts the parrot back into his cage.
Again, all is well for a few weeks until once more, the farmer finds the bird is gone. He heads straight to the henhouse where, sure enough, the parrot's at it again.
"Come here!" the farmer bellows and the parrot obliges. At which point the farmer grabs the bird, whips out a straight razor and shaves its head.
Nothing more happens and the farmer thinks the problem's been solved. He then decides to put the parrot's speaking abilities to use at an upcoming party. He puts him on top of a piano and has him direct the guests to the cloakrooms to hang up their coats.
The parrot does so with an "Awk, gentlemen to the left, ladies to the right," when suddenly a bald man appears.
"Awk, gentlemen to the left, ladies to the right," the parrot continued. "And you, you chicken shagger, up here on the piano with me."