Jokes Thread

[Blue 1]

Forgot to take my sunglasses off indoors once. Someone asked me "Are you trying to look cool or something?"
-"No, I've got that thing Bono has" I replied.
-"Glaucoma"? they asked.
-"No, I'm an arsehole".

 

[canuckblue]

U2 are playing an impromptu set at a Dublin pub when Bono slowly starts clapping, raising his arms over his head to do so. The punters think this is the beginning of a new song, so they clap along.
Finally, Bono says, "Whenever I do this, a child in Africa dies."
From the back of the room, someone shouted, "Well quit bloody doing it then."

 

[Joey66]

He came out in rashers so they gave him some oinkment.

I last heard he was seen snorting for truffles....

 

[canuckblue]

I last heard he was seen snorting for truffles....

And nobody knows the truffles he's seen.

 

[Joey66]

And nobody knows the truffles he's seen.

He snorts them & someone picks them very expensive truffels -

 

[summerisle]

A Barry Cryer joke :

A man walks into a cake shop and says, "I'd like a wasp please."
The shopkeeper replies, "Sir, this is a cake shop, we don't sell wasps."
The customer replies, "Well, there's one in the window."

 

[ste d' indica]

 

[summerisle]

 

[Blue 1]

You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

Or, as vegans like to say: "You can't make an omelette".

 

[tommytowne]

I've developed an obsession with wearing hi viz clothing, so much so I wouldn't be seen without them.

 

[Ihaters]

Before you judge a man, you must first walk a mile in his shoes...
That way, when you do judge him your a mile away...
And you have his shoes.

 

[Street end man]

Blackpool's being battered tonight.

 

[Milk]

Two eggs in a pan of water being brought to the boil

Egg1: “I’ve got a massive crack now”

Egg 2: “Hang on. I’m not hard yet”

 

[Buzz Lightroom]

I asked a German friend of mine if he knew the square route of 81.

He said no.

 

[Mademan]

Trivia: Which Russian has scored the most goals for Everton?

Answer: Bilyaletdinov.

Ask your mates in the pub at the weekend, when the correct answer will be Kanckelskis!