Jokes Thread

True story, went for an MRI scan. Just before going in the nurse says to me ‘ do you want to use the bathroom?’ I replied ‘ no, I had a shower this morning ‘ The look on her face was priceless.
 
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there's no women on board what will be do for pleasure??? capt.:Ohh... don't worry me laddie just stick ur dick in that barrel and everything will be alright So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happened! Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie it's your turn in the barrel!
 
Leif Ericsson was off on another of his epic voyages. After all of the others, he'd returned hope to a hero's welcome. But this trip was far longer than any he'd ever done before and after five years, the people in his home town began to fear the great man would never return, that some horrible fate had befallen him. It got to the point where the town registrar removed him from the roll.
Imagine their surprise, then, when Ericsson returned once again. But amid all the euphoria, he was told of the registrar's actions years before. Furious, he confronted the man and demanded to know why this had been done.
"Forgive me," the man stammered, "I just took Leif off my census."
 

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