Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink . Barman says " I'm not serving you , you're off your face "
The old lady
Player Valuation: £750k
Two oranges sitting at a bar. One says to the other, your round.
Bill Clinton was walking along a beach when he stumbled upon a genies lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to bring peace to the Middle East, See this map?" Bill pulls out a sweat covered map. "These people have been at war for thousands of years. I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her and for her to be elected President of the United States of America. That's what I want."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."
He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to bring peace to the Middle East, See this map?" Bill pulls out a sweat covered map. "These people have been at war for thousands of years. I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her and for her to be elected President of the United States of America. That's what I want."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."
A prisoner escaped and hid inside a nearby house.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her on the neck then walked to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the nearby prison, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, I love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you!"
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her on the neck then walked to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the nearby prison, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, I love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you!"
Guy goes to the clinic and he tells the doctor:
"Doctor Doctor, I have trouble seeing objects at a distance"
The doctor pulls up the blind and points out of the window and up:
"What do you make of that?"
The patient: "Easy one. That's the sun"
Doctor: "Well how frickin' far do you want to see?"
"Doctor Doctor, I have trouble seeing objects at a distance"
The doctor pulls up the blind and points out of the window and up:
"What do you make of that?"
The patient: "Easy one. That's the sun"
Doctor: "Well how frickin' far do you want to see?"
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
For sale, packet of Polos, unopened, mint condition.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car ? Carlos.
Hey that should be in the Carlos thread please keep on the subject !lol
In memory of Ronnie Corbett:
A man was marooned on a desert island and one day a beautiful women arrives in a wetsuit.
"When did you last have a smoke?" she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wetsuit a bit and asks "When did you last have a drink?" He replies, 'Five years ago' So she gets out a bottle of scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wetsuit a little more and asks "And when was the last time you played around?" He looks at her in amazement and says "You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there???"
A man was marooned on a desert island and one day a beautiful women arrives in a wetsuit.
"When did you last have a smoke?" she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wetsuit a bit and asks "When did you last have a drink?" He replies, 'Five years ago' So she gets out a bottle of scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wetsuit a little more and asks "And when was the last time you played around?" He looks at her in amazement and says "You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there???"
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