Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
A man was found dead in his ice cream van, covered in hundreds and thousands and strawberry sauce. The verdict from the coroner was that he'd topped himself.
Gwlacticos
Player Valuation: £15m
He was a bit of a screwball. Still, ninety nine was a good age.
Brendan Janus
Player Valuation: £40m
Two eggs in a saucepan being boiled, one egg turns to the other & says "it's bloody hot in here" the other replies "you wait till you get out there, they bash your bloody head in" !!
How do you get a cheese eating bear out of a tree? Camembert!
What's the commonest type of owl? A teet (say it out loud!)
What's the commonest type of owl? A teet (say it out loud!)
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when Tony Hibbert walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. Hibbo dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, Hibbo pulled in another large catch and he kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
Hibbo replied, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again Hibbo responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
Hibbo spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when Tony Hibbert walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. Hibbo dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, Hibbo pulled in another large catch and he kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
Hibbo replied, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again Hibbo responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
Hibbo spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A man goes to the doctor feeling unwell.
The doctor checks him over and says, We'll have to do some blood tests.
A day later the doctor rings him with the results.
'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Sir, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest b'tard on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'F##k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've only won the sodding meat raffle as well!!'
The doctor checks him over and says, We'll have to do some blood tests.
A day later the doctor rings him with the results.
'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Sir, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest b'tard on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'F##k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've only won the sodding meat raffle as well!!'
Next day....his missus took the van out a little lad dressed as a cowboy went up to the counter pointed a toy gun at her and said 'give me a cone or else' she smiled whilst filling a cone with ice cream she leaned towards the small plastic tubs containing the toppings and said 'would you like crushed nuts' 'would you like your tits blown off' came the reply.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
What do you call somebody with no body and a nose ?
Nobody knows.
Nobody knows.
Gladystweet
Player Valuation: £50m
English fella walks into a cake shop in Scotland and says to the lady "excuse me love, is that a custard slice or a meringue"?
Lady replies "nooooo nooooo you're right dear, it's a custard slice"!
Lady replies "nooooo nooooo you're right dear, it's a custard slice"!