Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Out driving one day, fella sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' Sceptical but intrigued, he rings the bell. The owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back garden.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "This is incredible! Tell me your story."
Labrador says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. And I figured this was pretty rare so I wanted to help the government. I was sent to join the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some loads of massive drug cases and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"'cos he's a lying barsteward, he's never done any of that bollocks."
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "This is incredible! Tell me your story."
Labrador says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. And I figured this was pretty rare so I wanted to help the government. I was sent to join the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some loads of massive drug cases and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"'cos he's a lying barsteward, he's never done any of that bollocks."
The old lady
Player Valuation: £750k
Did you hear about the spaceman that stood in chewing gum?
He got stuck in orbit.
He got stuck in orbit.
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Fk it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU shut the fk up??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's drunk'
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Fk it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU shut the fk up??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's drunk'
An Englishman, Scotsman, and an Irishman are having a pint and a chat in the pub.
John says "my son was born on April 23rd, St. George's day, so we called him George".
Rab replies, "that's odd, my son was born on 30th November, St. Andrew's day, so we called him Andrew".
All of a sudden, Murphy pipes up, "Jeeeeesus Croist! Da same ting happened, wid me and my boy Pancake!"
John says "my son was born on April 23rd, St. George's day, so we called him George".
Rab replies, "that's odd, my son was born on 30th November, St. Andrew's day, so we called him Andrew".
All of a sudden, Murphy pipes up, "Jeeeeesus Croist! Da same ting happened, wid me and my boy Pancake!"
carlos21
KING OF REP
Afternoon lee how are you today mate,
Hello Carlos. I'm good fella, how are you my man?
carlos21
KING OF REP
I am good today you going on Saturday to the gamel
No mate, working away at the moment unfortunately. Are you going? Do you think we'll score lots of goals?
carlos21
KING OF REP
Hopefully mate
SailorBlue
Player Valuation: £2.5m
Which former french Everton player used to run around the pitch at 90 mph ?
Gavin Megane
Gavin Megane
Bluetintedspecs
Player Valuation: £6m
Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse....but enough about Kanye West.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Spent all my savings on a sex change.
Now I haven't got a sausage.
Just seen there's a nudist convention in town next week.
Might go if I've got nothing on.
Now I haven't got a sausage.
Just seen there's a nudist convention in town next week.
Might go if I've got nothing on.