http://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/oct/31/the-fiver-liverpool-steven-gerrard
BREAKING NEWS: 34-YEAR-OLD MAN WAS BETTER AT FOOTBALL WHEN 24-YEAR-OLD MAN
It’s another quiet Friday, so with no news to report, the Fiver has decided to assist a down-on-their-luck professional footballer with their contract negotiations,
by publishing a few quotes brazenly designed to chivvy along their contract negotiations. Here’s $tevie Mbe, who today admitted that his time at the heart of Liverpool’s midfield might soon be over. In terms of what the world already knew, news that the leggy legend can no longer seriously cut it at the very top level, his jaw now regularly seen hanging loose as he pants and runs around in circles like a confused dog who has misplaced his squeaky bone, is up there with other breaking stories such as JFK SHOT, MAN LANDS ON MOON and BIG FIRE AT REICHSTAG.
But of course that’s not the point he was making. The point he was making was that he might naff off somewhere else if Liverpool don’t get their act together and fast. Gerrard’s contract runs out in the summer, and presently the club have their feet up on the desk, either as a result of laziness, ineptitude, or dare we suggest it, sheer ambivalence. With time running out, and Gerrard free in January to sign a pre-contract agreement with an overseas club, perhaps in Spain, Italy, the USA or the Faroe Islands, the player has deemed it necessary to rattle a few cages. “I won’t be retiring this summer,” he announced in an interview with one of the Guardian’s rival papers, Rival Paper. “I will play beyond this season. We will have to wait and see if that’s at Liverpool or somewhere else. That’s Liverpool’s decision.”
Those Liverpool fans yet to be totally convinced by Joe Allen’s commanding, domineering, nay Sounessesque presence will be hoping that the club come to their senses and offer their captain the cuddle-in-shape-of-contract-extension he craves. And then, just as wily old Rafael Benítez did when he got Gerrard’s number the best part of a decade ago, play him out on the right or behind the front man where, relieved of tactical responsibility, he can still do some damage without doing any damage. Chances are the fans will get their wish, as despite Gerrard’s waning powers, Liverpool surely can’t afford to lose a second totemic figure in quick succession, and chivvied accordingly, will soon pony up some cash. So as we suggested at the start, this is a bit of a non-story, really. But the only other option was something about Daniel Sturridge remaining knacked for the next couple of weeks, and, well, we may as well have run with breaking events in Dealey Plaza.