Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

Spotty said:
Very obvious you have character having gone through all of the stuff you mentioned. I would have imagined the issues you have are on going. Mentioned to earwig yesterday it's about people's " lived experience ". It never ceases to amaze me how resilient people are. I hope you continue to remain positive, remember everyone recovers differently and I'm sure you can offer people sound advice. Good luck, I hope you remain contented.
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My conditions have been lifelong and they tell me that they were so severe that I will always have them. But it was the understanding them and controlling them. That is what has helped. i now know why I do certain things and think certain ways. I know it is the conditions and not my fault. Before I would blame myself for everything. It probably seems daft to some people, but when you are truly convinced that you are making planes crash because you never touched a cup so many times then it is pretty horrific. I was always looking for danger and I was finding it everywhere, well my head was. I shocks me now to look at how much my head was controlling my life. I will never be fully free from it but I can live with it and manage it. That is worth everything and i can now enjoy life. I still have bad days, I still get confused at times, I still get wary and my Hypervigilance is always ticking away. But things pass now and I know what to do when I am troubled. I know things will pass, and most impotantly...they do. I know I have to be wary of my conditions and watch for the bad signs, but I am happy doing that as the alternative was a nightmare. I take nothing for granted, but I am happy. It was only two years ago when I had the magic moment and thought "I like myself, I am OK" I had never thought that before. Small steps, big gains. I have an incredible lady who has been councelling me for the past 3 years, she really is an angel and has changed my life. The sessions are long term and I will continue with them

I am still a daft bugger as well and I love to joke around and have a banter. I guess I have realised how good life can actually be? I am in a good place,
Again... If you see yourself in any of this then turn to someone. You really have to, and it can all change.

I am only a PM away from anyone who wants to speak
 
Hogwild said:
Thank you so much for all of the kind thoughts, it helps having places like this forum, and this thread in particular, to allow for expression. I know bottling things in is bad, did that with my Mom 10 years ago, but also don’t want to burden or worry my missus and boys.

I appreciate you all.
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How you doing the day buddy? It's my dad's anniversary tomorrow, I remember reading your post about your dad whilst I was thinking about my dad's anniversary was exactly a month away. I miss him and think about him everyday so just want to let you know I'm thinking about you and your Dad too I know it's hard - somedays worse than others but it' does get easier so keep welI buddy, I hope you find some happiness this weekend. Maybe Everton will cheer us up this weekend. God bless mate.
 
Try to keep it on a level, guys - yesterday was a good day, today is a bad day but tomorrow will be a good day. The point I'm trying to put across is that these ups and downs we experience are cyclical and it's that realisation and learning how to recognise and cope with it that will get us through. Nothing lasts forever, even the bad days.
 
Oh, and someone once explained to me that in a way our fears and anxieties are like a Pandora's Box - occasionally the lid lifts and they all come tumbling out. What you have to try and imagine is they are not real things even if they seem like it but in the same way that these feelings affect our being we can also harness our imagination to work positively by envisioning the box and sitting on the lid. It does help but needs to be done as soon as the lid starts opening and before the worries start spilling out. I find first thing when I awake - lie in bed for a few minutes imagining the box with me sitting on it and knowing that whatever happens in the day ahead the lid stays firmly shut. I even put a bloody big rock on it to ensure it keeps shut. Different strokes for different folks, I guess!
 

helpimonfire said:
Some truly amazing things go on in this thread. You guys are amazing.

I had a bad childhood and had an awful mum who tried to kill me. She controlled me and had me living in fear. Of course, it stayed with me through my life and I led to me having a lot of problems. I never had any confidence and thought I was useless and worthless. I wont go into it too much but I started doing odd things, compulsions!. I believed everything bad that happened in the world was caused by me, I was even once convinced I must be Satan's son. I was hypervigilant (I still am a bit today) always watching and waiting for danger. It was mental health issues brought on by what I had gone through, but I had no idea I had them. I just got on with life and managed to get through until 5 years ago when i basically had a break down. I was diagnosed with Thought based OCD and Complex PTSD. I also had depression. The one good thing was that I now knew why I ticked the way haht I did. I had a lot of counselling, and medication. In the end I had to undergo trauma therapy, and that is tough to go through. However, it turns on the lighbulbs and takes away some of the demons, but not the memories. I am Ok today, I still struggle at times and I have bad days. But they a rare now and I do not go to the dark places I once used to. I had attempted suicide twice and lived with suicidal thoughts for most of my life. I still get those thoughts but they have no power now and I can easily let them pass. The last two years have been the happiest of my life really. I now do things I have always wanted to do. I travelled to a few places in Europe last year on my own and I loved it. I always thought that I would never be able to drive a car, I would be stupid at it, but now I am waiting for the provisional licence to arrive and I am looking forward to the lessons. I have started going to concerts again (I love music) and have returned to Goodison after a period away. I lost my love of things, but I have them back now and they are very much appreciated. My life was strange. I was the joker who made everyone laugh, but taht was my wall of protection.I managed to work and get married and have a kid. I played in a band when I was younger and I have had books published, But I was always trying to get away from people, always wanting to be alone. I always knew something was different in me but would never open up about it. I would lose weeks and months and can remember nothing about them. I could go to work or shopping and recall nothing as my mind would be elsewhere and I was just getting by in robot mode. I went to the darkest places, places I hope my worst enemy never goes. But I came through and some amazing people helped me along the way. I am a very laid back person now as stress almost ruined me. Mindfulness has been amazing for me. I sometimes wonder how I managed to get through life, but I am glad that I did. I have a wonderful son who is my whole life and he is the reason I am still here today, he is the reason I finally sought out the help I needed. I enjoy life now. I have commented on this thread a couple of times in the past but never really explained my own situation. I read this thread a lot and it has helped me in the past. I am putting this here in case anyone else is going through anything similar. If you are then feel free to talk to me here or message me. I am no expert and can only tell you my own experiences. But I will support you if i can. Trust me for I know, silence feeds these conditions. You have to open up. Speak up, talk to somebody. There is help out there. I cannot believe how much my life changed, and so much for the better. I never thought I would be happy but I truly am now. Please talk to someone

Sorry for waffling on. I just felt the need to post this.
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That is a truly amazing post. I don't know what to say that would convey my admiration for you so I'll leave it at that x
 
I do think about suicide every single day but I don't think it makes me suicidal.
I used to say "Oh I wouldn't do anything because of my daughter " but things have changed.
I have had an extremely tough few years.
My ex wife had an affair. She hit me on one occasion leaving me with a black eye.
She took out credit in my name leaving me with 3 ccjs.
But she denies absolutely everything and I'm now a liar.
We are divorced but now were going to court to sort out finances.
But not once has my 15 year old daughter turned round to her mum and said "give dad a break and give dad a chance to start his life again.
Work and my bosses have kepg me going.
 
dave n said:
I do think about suicide every single day but I don't think it makes me suicidal.
I used to say "Oh I wouldn't do anything because of my daughter " but things have changed.
I have had an extremely tough few years.
My ex wife had an affair. She hit me on one occasion leaving me with a black eye.
She took out credit in my name leaving me with 3 ccjs.
But she denies absolutely everything and I'm now a liar.
We are divorced but now were going to court to sort out finances.
But not once has my 15 year old daughter turned round to her mum and said "give dad a break and give dad a chance to start his life again.
Work and my bosses have kepg me going.
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I wish you didn't get them suicidal feelings Dave, you've had a couple of really tough years mate but you've came through them fantastically and really grown as a man. I've said before I used to follow this site and thread for years long before I signed up. Your story was 1 that always stuck out to me I was always rooting for you. I remember you going from always been really hurt by your ex wife to just been annoyed by her. I remember how much of a cow your mother in law was and how your wife threw you out when on holiday I remember the tough times with your daughter and how she'd been brain washed by her mum and would give you a tough time too. I remember 1 Christmas or birthday I think it was Christmas and your heart was broke and you couldn't see your daughter, I don't mind telling you the tears were in my eyes too that Christmas reading that. I remember detesting you wife thinking she's going to push this man off the edge - you did scare me mate. I remember coming on to the site not to see how Everton were doing but instead how you were doing. But something happened with you and your posts went from hurt to annoyance by your ex. You used to say you were quiet and shy but then you started responding to other posters and giving them great advice even on the same day you'd posted more shoite aimed at you from your wife. You started relating to your past to help others especially mrD. I remember buzzing reading your help for others relating to your past saying "it is his past now, he's over it, hes won, his ex and her horrible mother have lost" . I'm so happy for you even though it was a horrible journey you're not the quiet shy man you thought you were anymore you're a winner mate. The ex will always resent the fact you didn't stay down under her feet mate and will try to use your daughter to hurt you that's the way the mother in law raised her. But your daughters getting older mate and will butt heads soon enough with your ex - then she'll realise the truth. So stay positive mate, she couldn't break you. YOU WON. Keep safe and God bless. Ps I'm really not a stalker mate lol just a concerned Blue Brother.
 
97BF6553-0E2B-47FC-ADE5-F7DED1664B3F.jpeg


....this sculpture has apparently appeared in Bristol overnight. There’s somebody there to help.
 
dave n said:
I do think about suicide every single day but I don't think it makes me suicidal.
I used to say "Oh I wouldn't do anything because of my daughter " but things have changed.
I have had an extremely tough few years.
My ex wife had an affair. She hit me on one occasion leaving me with a black eye.
She took out credit in my name leaving me with 3 ccjs.
But she denies absolutely everything and I'm now a liar.
We are divorced but now were going to court to sort out finances.
But not once has my 15 year old daughter turned round to her mum and said "give dad a break and give dad a chance to start his life again.
Work and my bosses have kepg me going.
Click to expand...

You are still standing mate, even after all you have been through you are still standing. That shows your true strength. Most importantly you speak about your issues. I have suicidal thoughts every day and I agree they do not make me suicidal. I can let them pass as I know that they will. But always keep an eye on them ... I do.
It seems that you have some good people aroiund you at work so keep them close and open up whenever you need to. Be proud of you mate.
 

Jokerdan said:
Try to keep it on a level, guys - yesterday was a good day, today is a bad day but tomorrow will be a good day. The point I'm trying to put across is that these ups and downs we experience are cyclical and it's that realisation and learning how to recognise and cope with it that will get us through. Nothing lasts forever, even the bad days.
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Good point this. How people recover is very different and in anyone's recovery you have blips. Well said.
 
helpimonfire said:
You are still standing mate, even after all you have been through you are still standing. That shows your true strength. Most importantly you speak about your issues. I have suicidal thoughts every day and I agree they do not make me suicidal. I can let them pass as I know that they will. But always keep an eye on them ... I do.
It seems that you have some good people aroiund you at work so keep them close and open up whenever you need to. Be proud of you mate.
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Sounds to me Da
helpimonfire said:
My conditions have been lifelong and they tell me that they were so severe that I will always have them. But it was the understanding them and controlling them. That is what has helped. i now know why I do certain things and think certain ways. I know it is the conditions and not my fault. Before I would blame myself for everything. It probably seems daft to some people, but when you are truly convinced that you are making planes crash because you never touched a cup so many times then it is pretty horrific. I was always looking for danger and I was finding it everywhere, well my head was. I shocks me now to look at how much my head was controlling my life. I will never be fully free from it but I can live with it and manage it. That is worth everything and i can now enjoy life. I still have bad days, I still get confused at times, I still get wary and my Hypervigilance is always ticking away. But things pass now and I know what to do when I am troubled. I know things will pass, and most impotantly...they do. I know I have to be wary of my conditions and watch for the bad signs, but I am happy doing that as the alternative was a nightmare. I take nothing for granted, but I am happy. It was only two years ago when I had the magic moment and thought "I like myself, I am OK" I had never thought that before. Small steps, big gains. I have an incredible lady who has been councelling me for the past 3 years, she really is an angel and has changed my life. The sessions are long term and I will continue with them

I am still a daft bugger as well and I love to joke around and have a banter. I guess I have realised how good life can actually be? I am in a good place,
Again... If you see yourself in any of this then turn to someone. You really have to, and it can all change.

I am only a PM away from anyone who wants to speak
Click to expand...
"Help" as you know, your issues are anxiety based and your trying to get a degree of control in your life. There are a number of psychotropic medications available that help with your compulsions however it appears to me you have a very good " handle " on things. The important thing as you know is to be able to see the triggers, what makes you become unwell and if you know these triggers you can take steps to stop them getting worse. You are wise saying " you have bad days " but if you can work towards these days being more spaced out and infrequent, then your getting there. Remember, everyone's " recovery " is different but having a degree of control and autonomy in your life is a Good thing. Keep up with the therapeutic work you do and good luck.
 
helpimonfire said:
Some truly amazing things go on in this thread. You guys are amazing.

I had a bad childhood and had an awful mum who tried to kill me. She controlled me and had me living in fear. Of course, it stayed with me through my life and I led to me having a lot of problems. I never had any confidence and thought I was useless and worthless. I wont go into it too much but I started doing odd things, compulsions!. I believed everything bad that happened in the world was caused by me, I was even once convinced I must be Satan's son. I was hypervigilant (I still am a bit today) always watching and waiting for danger. It was mental health issues brought on by what I had gone through, but I had no idea I had them. I just got on with life and managed to get through until 5 years ago when i basically had a break down. I was diagnosed with Thought based OCD and Complex PTSD. I also had depression. The one good thing was that I now knew why I ticked the way haht I did. I had a lot of counselling, and medication. In the end I had to undergo trauma therapy, and that is tough to go through. However, it turns on the lighbulbs and takes away some of the demons, but not the memories. I am Ok today, I still struggle at times and I have bad days. But they a rare now and I do not go to the dark places I once used to. I had attempted suicide twice and lived with suicidal thoughts for most of my life. I still get those thoughts but they have no power now and I can easily let them pass. The last two years have been the happiest of my life really. I now do things I have always wanted to do. I travelled to a few places in Europe last year on my own and I loved it. I always thought that I would never be able to drive a car, I would be stupid at it, but now I am waiting for the provisional licence to arrive and I am looking forward to the lessons. I have started going to concerts again (I love music) and have returned to Goodison after a period away. I lost my love of things, but I have them back now and they are very much appreciated. My life was strange. I was the joker who made everyone laugh, but taht was my wall of protection.I managed to work and get married and have a kid. I played in a band when I was younger and I have had books published, But I was always trying to get away from people, always wanting to be alone. I always knew something was different in me but would never open up about it. I would lose weeks and months and can remember nothing about them. I could go to work or shopping and recall nothing as my mind would be elsewhere and I was just getting by in robot mode. I went to the darkest places, places I hope my worst enemy never goes. But I came through and some amazing people helped me along the way. I am a very laid back person now as stress almost ruined me. Mindfulness has been amazing for me. I sometimes wonder how I managed to get through life, but I am glad that I did. I have a wonderful son who is my whole life and he is the reason I am still here today, he is the reason I finally sought out the help I needed. I enjoy life now. I have commented on this thread a couple of times in the past but never really explained my own situation. I read this thread a lot and it has helped me in the past. I am putting this here in case anyone else is going through anything similar. If you are then feel free to talk to me here or message me. I am no expert and can only tell you my own experiences. But I will support you if i can. Trust me for I know, silence feeds these conditions. You have to open up. Speak up, talk to somebody. There is help out there. I cannot believe how much my life changed, and so much for the better. I never thought I would be happy but I truly am now. Please talk to someone

Sorry for waffling on. I just felt the need to post this.
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Wow, man. Kudos for getting that out there - Must have taken a lot.

I am sorry you had to experience any of that, but I think there's so many bits in there that will strike various chords with various posters.

I think so many men, particularly the standard "type" you might associate with football fandom (and being a scouser or local!) come across as the joker in the pack, always trying to cheer others up and I would bet that a lot of them are doing so, to try to mask their own sadness, insecurities, etc.

What an example you are with how you have overcome what you have, through dedication to getting better and hard work in staying mindful.

I wish you all the very best in your ongoing recovery, sir, and it is a pleasure to share a forum with you!!
 

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