Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Deleted member 38674]

I'm looking at a bedsit near my ex. Grim.

This may sound like a weird question at first, but can I ask what your expectations are of yourself?

Like if you think about your life in 12 months time in comparison to where you are now, what >realistic< outcome would you be proud of?

You with a job? You with a job and a flat? You with a job, flat and a partner? You with a job, flat, a partner and a close circle of friends?

All of that is very do-able but everyone's expectations of themselves are very different. It has to be your expectations too, not the expectations you think others have of you. What would you be happy with?

Just as a basic goal-setting exercise, i've found it can really help to break this stuff down into chunks. It's important to know what you're shooting for before you start.

 

[carlos21]

Hey Carlos, how are you

I am good today what you doing today.

 

[WA Toffee]

I heard her loud and clear. She let me back because she felt obliged. She started trying to shame me because of my situation and situation with my daughter.

I'm looking at a bedsit near my ex. Grim. Doesn't have a fridge, oven or anything.

Also, I've no idea what to do about electricity, gas, council tax all that stuff.

Also, I won't have internet there so I'll be unreachable. I don't have a contract phone with loads of data.

If anyone wants my number send me a message. Just incase anyone feels the need to text me or anything.

At the moment you guys are the only friends I've got.

Mate, I understand you probably don’t want to hear it or believe it, but it sounds like the problem is your mum, not you. I don’t mean that in a cruel way, your mum is just reacting in the way she was brought up and no doubt thinks she is doing the best for you by being hard on you, I have a very close friend who treats his kids in the same way you describe.
It works for some, it doesn’t work for others.

While you don’t want to hear what she says, please don’t cut her off or hate her, I am sure she is doing what she feels is best, but just doesn’t understand mental health or how to deal with it. I know I could never have talked to my mum about it if I had those issues so you are not alone in that.

I know this is just an internet forum and you are anonymous to probably all of us, but by actually posting in here and exposing your heart, you have taken a major step in finding your own happiness. Stay on that path mate, your daughter needs you and deep down, I’m sure you realise that you are the world to her.

 

[WA Toffee]

My daughter is 3 and one thing she loves is looking for bugs. She was talking non stop about spiders so we went to the local park to look for them one afternoon. She had so much fun and it didn't cost a penny.

Just be with her. Talk to her. Tell her stories, make them up using her toys as characters. I really think stuff like this means more to kids than expensive days out. Take care mate.

Couldn’t agree more. I’m lucky enough that I have taken my kids on overseas holidays. My daughter can’t remember most of them, but does remember me making up stories for her at bedtime when she was 4. And so do I. Those are the precious memories, not the designer clothes or the expensive day trips.

 

[MrD]

This may sound like a weird question at first, but can I ask what your expectations are of yourself?

Like if you think about your life in 12 months time in comparison to where you are now, what >realistic< outcome would you be proud of?

You with a job? You with a job and a flat? You with a job, flat and a partner? You with a job, flat, a partner and a close circle of friends?

All of that is very do-able but everyone's expectations of themselves are very different. It has to be your expectations too, not the expectations you think others have of you. What would you be happy with?

Just as a basic goal-setting exercise, i've found it can really help to break this stuff down into chunks. It's important to know what you're shooting for before you start.

It's not a weird question mate. In 12 months time I'd like to be working, living in a half decent place and have stuff around me and not sleeping on an air bed etc.

If I'm single so be it, I just hope I'm happier than I am now. As for friends, well I guess you get friends through work and socializing so who knows, at the moment being social doesn't sound too inviting.

In 12 months I want to be living and not hiding. Helping people with advice myself if I can. I want my little girl to be happy too.

Mate, I understand you probably don’t want to hear it or believe it, but it sounds like the problem is your mum, not you. I don’t mean that in a cruel way, your mum is just reacting in the way she was brought up and no doubt thinks she is doing the best for you by being hard on you, I have a very close friend who treats his kids in the same way you describe.
It works for some, it doesn’t work for others.

While you don’t want to hear what she says, please don’t cut her off or hate her, I am sure she is doing what she feels is best, but just doesn’t understand mental health or how to deal with it. I know I could never have talked to my mum about it if I had those issues so you are not alone in that.

I know this is just an internet forum and you are anonymous to probably all of us, but by actually posting in here and exposing your heart, you have taken a major step in finding your own happiness. Stay on that path mate, your daughter needs you and deep down, I’m sure you realise that you are the world to her.

My mum is just what she is. She's always treated me like crap and even if she doesn't understand mental health her approach to me, albeit stern and a well intended kick up the arse doesn't help really.

I'm sure I need someone to force me into action but there are ways of doing it. I don't hate her.

She was saying how disappointed she is that I let all this happen. So add that onto how bad I feel about it all anyway, especially the regret I'm struggling with just hasn't made me feel better.

 

[Grinch]

It's not a weird question mate. In 12 months time I'd like to be working, living in a half decent place and have stuff around me and not sleeping on an air bed etc.

If I'm single so be it, I just hope I'm happier than I am now. As for friends, well I guess you get friends through work and socializing so who knows, at the moment being social doesn't sound too inviting.

In 12 months I want to be living and not hiding. Helping people with advice myself if I can. I want my little girl to be happy too.

My mum is just what she is. She's always treated me like crap and even if she doesn't understand mental health her approach to me, albeit stern and a well intended kick up the arse doesn't help really.

I'm sure I need someone to force me into action but there are ways of doing it. I don't hate her.

She was saying how disappointed she is that I let all this happen. So add that onto how bad I feel about it all anyway, especially the regret I'm struggling with just hasn't made me feel better.

Is it some adversity in your life....sure.... disappointment is a bit harsh. Its life. Crazy stuff happens. As long as you keep that chin up, help yourself from this point on, we are all very proud of you. Even just from a week ago, it seems like your outlook has changed towards the positive. Start small and work your way up. Like we talked about... all about the baby steps. Tiny goals that turn into big goals/outlooks. Mr. D we are all proud of you for everything since you started sharing and we are all looking forward to the counseling sessions. Don't let anyone talk down on you. You have a lot left to offer. Hell, just our little chats bring me joy throughout the day and im sure im not the only one here

 

[AmericasToffee]

It's not a weird question mate. In 12 months time I'd like to be working, living in a half decent place and have stuff around me and not sleeping on an air bed etc.

If I'm single so be it, I just hope I'm happier than I am now. As for friends, well I guess you get friends through work and socializing so who knows, at the moment being social doesn't sound too inviting.

In 12 months I want to be living and not hiding. Helping people with advice myself if I can. I want my little girl to be happy too.

My mum is just what she is. She's always treated me like crap and even if she doesn't understand mental health her approach to me, albeit stern and a well intended kick up the arse doesn't help really.

I'm sure I need someone to force me into action but there are ways of doing it. I don't hate her.

She was saying how disappointed she is that I let all this happen. So add that onto how bad I feel about it all anyway, especially the regret I'm struggling with just hasn't made me feel better.

Be realistic my man. Don't expect this to all happen overnight. You may have great days ahead after talking to a GP/Counselor/Whomever. You may also have some "valley" days where you feel bad. Work on doing things that are proven to help your mood, even when you don't feel like doing it. Those things help more than most. We may all seem like sunshine and rainbows with the positivity, but it's likely because we've been through the s*** and back again. The valleys aren't the end. They are just more difficult to climb out of sometimes. When you get to the peaks, though, man is it worth it.

 

[brieverton]

I heard her loud and clear. She let me back because she felt obliged. She started trying to shame me because of my situation and situation with my daughter.

I'm looking at a bedsit near my ex. Grim. Doesn't have a fridge, oven or anything.

Also, I've no idea what to do about electricity, gas, council tax all that stuff.

Also, I won't have internet there so I'll be unreachable. I don't have a contract phone with loads of data.

If anyone wants my number send me a message. Just incase anyone feels the need to text me or anything.

At the moment you guys are the only friends I've got.

Mate is there anyway you can harness the energy and frustration that comes across in your posts in a positive way? Any changes should come about because you want to make them and they will impact you in a positive way, but I have found over the years that there is definitely a motivation to prove others wrong on occasion, sometimes I have proved myself wrong in a good way, if that makes sense, by starting and accomplishing something over time that previously I would have thought unattainable.

The bedsit may sound grim but it would be a start and give you a degree of ownership over your circumstances and put a further responsibility on you to change them for the better in time.

Whether its sorting out a place to stay, sorting out bills etc etc, can you make lists of what practical things you need to do, day to day, to get from A to B? Sometimes progress can be painfully slow but each step in the right direction is a small victory.

Can you break down some of the things you need to do into smaller steps, even micro steps?

I was a bit stressed out at work about 12 months ago, and had to go for an ECG test. I remember as the nurse was hooking me up for it, she asked "How do you eat an elephant?" I said "What?" and she just replied "One spoon at a time!" I have tried to incororate that advice ever since in my daily life and tasks.

 

[MrD]

Mate is there anyway you can harness the energy and frustration that comes across in your posts in a positive way? Any changes should come about because you want to make them and they will impact you in a positive way, but I have found over the years that there is definitely a motivation to prove others wrong on occasion, sometimes I have proved myself wrong in a good way, if that makes sense, by starting and accomplishing something over time that previously I would have thought unattainable.

The bedsit may sound grim but it would be a start and give you a degree of ownership over your circumstances and put a further responsibility on you to change them for the better in time.

Whether its sorting out a place to stay, sorting out bills etc etc, can you make lists of what practical things you need to do, day to day, to get from A to B? Sometimes progress can be painfully slow but each step in the right direction is a small victory.

Can you break down some of the things you need to do into smaller steps, even micro steps?

I was a bit stressed out at work about 12 months ago, and had to go for an ECG test. I remember as the nurse was hooking me up for it, she asked "How do you eat an elephant?" I said "What?" and she just replied "One spoon at a time!" I have tried to incororate that advice ever since in my daily life and tasks.

I am trying mate. I'm a very negative person by nature so my thought process and speech patterns are always negative too.

I do have a mental list of what I need to do and at the moment getting a place is priority. I should write them down.

Micro steps is a good idea too. I found a flat but the bloody estate agent isn't answering the phone. I'll have to keep trying.

 

[brieverton]

I am trying mate. I'm a very negative person by nature so my thought process and speech patterns are always negative too.

I do have a mental list of what I need to do and at the moment getting a place is priority. I should write them down.

Micro steps is a good idea too. I found a flat but the bloody estate agent isn't answering the phone. I'll have to keep trying.

Mate try try try and try again. This in a nutshell is the game of life we are all playing. Things will turn.

 

[LydiateLee]

Too many people make the mistake of reading too many 'inspirational' life quotes on social media and believing that a positive slant can be taken on any situation.

Thats not true, crap times are just that, crap. Instead of sugar coating them, I think accepting that bad times happen is a healthier platform to grow and heal from. Because you know what? Good times happen too. Sometimes they can seem a lifetime away but trust me they do, so long as you hang in there day by day, step by step.

@MrD just try your best mate to get through today and show you're still fighting. Look for those mini-wins that all these lovely people have suggested you do.

Just reading your posts have inspired me, you are stronger than you think. I don't know you mate but boy am I rooting for you.

Make sure you keep talking. A year is a long time and a lot can and will change, trust the process.

 

[MrD]

Mate try try try and try again. This in a nutshell is the game of life we are all playing. Things will turn.

thanks mate

Too many people make the mistake of reading too many 'inspirational' life quotes on social media and believing that a positive slant can be taken on any situation.

Thats not true, crap times are just that, crap. Instead of sugar coating them, I think accepting that bad times happen is a healthier platform to grow and heal from. Because you know what? Good times happen too. Sometimes they can seem a lifetime away but trust me they do, so long as you hang in there day by day, step by step.

@MrD just try your best mate to get through today and show you're still fighting. Look for those mini-wins that all these lovely people have suggested you do.

Just reading your posts have inspired me, you are stronger than you think. I don't know you mate but boy am I rooting for you.

Make sure you keep talking. A year is a long time and a lot can and will change, trust the process.

I'm with the belief now that yes, bad things are often just bad. No need to pretend otherwise but try and fix them.

I'm glad and bemused how I could be inspiring you but thanks mate.

And again for anyone who is willing.....feel free to.message me if you want my number to exchange a text or two on the days I'm without internet.

No worries if not but I feel real care in here for this internet weirdo. I will have a lot of lonely nights ahead of me so a text will help.

 

[LydiateLee]

@MrD Okay here goes. Between July 2015 and September 2017 this was my journey:

- Split up with wife of 7 years
- My daughters (then aged 7 and 4) moved out with her, I couldn't even look at their empty room without breaking down
- Ex wife meets someone after a matter of weeks, turns out she was seeing him before we split up
- Starts bringing this fella to her new house where my kids were after a couple of months, when they were still confused and adapting to me not being there
- Ex wife files a court injunction against me for challenging her actions (not aggressively or in any way illegally, as any decent dad would do)
- Slip in to depression, drinking on week nights to numb the pain. Pain only ever eased a little (temporarily) when my girls came to stay 2 nights a week
- Became a 'serial dater' after 6 months or so, spent weekends meeting different girls when I clearly wasn't ready, nowhere near it and had no intentions of bringing anyone in to my daughters' lives.
- Work then suffered, had too much going on in my personal life to cope with demands of my management role. Got no support from my employer and ended up resigning.
- Had to sell the marital home as part of divorce and moved back in with my parents aged 33.
-To top it all off my 24 year old cousin was tragically killed in Sri Lanka by a crocodile (see my avatar), shattering our family

My life fell to pieces.

But here I am. I just stayed. I didn't give up. It was a horrible horrible time in my life but it made me so much stronger.

Today I am engaged to a beautiful, caring woman, the undoubted love of my life. My daughters are happy and settled and stay with me half the week. I am on ok terms with my ex. I have a great new job which is going great. My relationship with my family is better than ever as I learned to appreciate what I have after losing so much.

Hang in there.

 

[Groucho]

thanks mate

I'm with the belief now that yes, bad things are often just bad. No need to pretend otherwise but try and fix them.

I'm glad and bemused how I could be inspiring you but thanks mate.

And again for anyone who is willing.....feel free to.message me if you want my number to exchange a text or two on the days I'm without internet.

No worries if not but I feel real care in here for this internet weirdo. I will have a lot of lonely nights ahead of me so a text will help.

So what’s your current state of play?

Are you still at a low ebb or are you on the mend and on the up?

 

[Deleted member 28206]

@MrD Okay here goes. Between July 2015 and September 2017 this was my journey:

- Split up with wife of 7 years
- My daughters (then aged 7 and 4) moved out with her, I couldn't even look at their empty room without breaking down
- Ex wife meets someone after a matter of weeks, turns out she was seeing him before we split up
- Starts bringing this fella to her new house where my kids were after a couple of months, when they were still confused and adapting to me not being there
- Ex wife files a court injunction against me for challenging her actions (not aggressively or in any way illegally, as any decent dad would do)
- Slip in to depression, drinking on week nights to numb the pain. Pain only ever eased a little (temporarily) when my girls came to stay 2 nights a week
- Became a 'serial dater' after 6 months or so, spent weekends meeting different girls when I clearly wasn't ready, nowhere near it and had no intentions of bringing anyone in to my daughters' lives.
- Work then suffered, had too much going on in my personal life to cope with demands of my management role. Got no support from my employer and ended up resigning.
- Had to sell the marital home as part of divorce and moved back in with my parents aged 33.
-To top it all off my 24 year old cousin was tragically killed in Sri Lanka by a crocodile (see my avatar), shattering our family

My life fell to pieces.

But here I am. I just stayed. I didn't give up. It was a horrible horrible time in my life but it made me so much stronger.

Today I am engaged to a beautiful, caring woman, the undoubted love of my life. My daughters are happy and settled and stay with me half the week. I am on ok terms with my ex. I have a great new job which is going great. My relationship with my family is better than ever as I learned to appreciate what I have after losing so much.

Hang in there.

*wishes he was as handsome as Lee