Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues


dave n said:
Yeah I'm good mate. I don't see my daughter much at all. She just isn't bothered.
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I know mate. It's rough but she's 15 she doesn't know how this hurts you and that's the way you'd honestly want it you wouldn't want her young head having to referee and be a peace maker she's still a child she's propably looking forward to 2 parties tomorrow. You really love your daughter. Spoil her tomorrow even if it is only for a few hours. Give her great memories every time you're with her and she'll look forward and want to see you more and more and she can talk you her Daddy up. Don't let her see you hurt treat her like your princess, let these be the memories of her childhood.,these moments stay with them forever. She'll be an adult soon enough and everything changes and unfortunately she'll have her own concerns but she'll know she can come to you and that Dad loves me and fixes everything. Wish I could buy you a pint for your birthday mate one day when we're all back I will.
 
dave n said:
My 15 year old daughter has just contacted me as it's my birthday this weekend.
" Dad can you pick me up at 11 at drop me off at home again at 1pm as mum has arranged for me and her to go for cake "
My ex wife is an absolute bully yet my daughter can't see it. I'm absolutely fuming.
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Dave the main thing is she phoned you - great-wants to meet up - great- and you have time to tell her you love her unconditionally and will always be there for her. I know you won't but refrain from talking any vitriolic stuff about her mum. Leave her with the " I love you and always will" message ringing in her ears. If she's 15 Dave, believe me she's old enough to make her own mind up if her mum isn't treating you right. Don't be surprised if your daughter at some point sticks up for you to her mum at some point. She's mature enough Dave to " get it". Compared to before Dave, when you were worried about your daughter not seeing you, then her calling YOU is somewhat of a positive is it not. Good luck with things Dave.
 
Earwigjoe said:
Your wife knows how to get under your skin mate, and knows how to hurt you and she enjoys it, So childish, horrible and pathetic too - that after everything she's done she's still getting kicks from hurting you. I very much doubt you're the only one that dislikes her. It obviously wasn't her personality that attracted her to you. Your daughter may be oblivious to her actions now but she's 15 - at the end of her childhood, she's going to change so much in the next couple of years. I've raised a couple of daughters and believe me it's this age that they go from your innocent little princesses to absolute demons so your ex wife is going to meet her equal soon and you can sit back and laugh cos she's going to be doing your exs head in and arguing constantly and running to you to get back at her mum. Your ex obviously knows how to push your buttons and enjoys it knowing she's hurting you, I know she gets under your skin but if she thought she had no control on you and that she couldn't get a reaction out of you it would destroy her - her reign would be over. If you can try not to give her a reaction go the opposite way smile, be nice ask her how she's doing etc be really false if you strip the power from her she has nothing. I do it with the mother outlaw she is the vilest person you could meet except your ex and her ma lol. After years of fights I bit my lip and tried it she absolutely hates it and I'm actually enjoying how uncomfortable I make her feel now I'm always smiling and asking her how she is beep the horn if I see her I even phoned her on her birthday to wish her all the best knowing the whole family were there saying that was so nice I know it ruined her birthday haha. Don't let the ex set the narrative don't let her see how she hurts you. You're a strong man you've come through so much crap take back your life make her think she can't hurt you in return that'll hurt her. Your daughters lack of understanding will change soon enough just be the loving strong dad that'll be there when her mum starts trying to control her life. God Bless mate and don't doubt how strong you can be you've shown so much strength already these last couple of years
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Earwig I expected better, " I'm enjoying how uncomfortable I make her feel" can't beat a bit of schaudenfraud to make you feel better eh
 
Zezti said:
Just found out my second cousin has killed herself today. My mum says she was in her mid to late 20's like me. She has a daughter who just started reception. I can't imagine what her close family is going through. edit: she was also engaged.

She was from a part of the family we never had much contact with, and I don't think I ever met her, but its the first person I'm related to who has committed suicide and its a hard thing to wrap my mind around. It sends shockwaves throughout the whole family, even distant relatives like me.

It makes you want to say "Anyone reading this please speak out, its okay", but it doesn't feel like enough. You want to do more but what else can you really do to help them?
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Zezti, dealing with death is very subjective, we all have different ways to process or " cope" with death, especially if it's through suicide. Click on this link for some really interesting stuff on bereavement ets. You could also put suicide in MINDS search box for further advice. MIND is a website written in plain speak for people like you and me and have some great links. It's perfectly normal for you to be thinking " I don't know how to think about this." A very close cousin of mine hung himself and I didn't know what to think. I was numb, kissed my cousins brother but thought " this isn't supposed to happen"Good luck with things but I guarantee your thoughts will be normal. Have a read, see if it helps.

www.mind.org.uk

What is bereavement?

Read about what bereavement and grief are and how they affect different people, including anticipatory grief and secondary loss.
www.mind.org.uk
 

Spotty said:
Dave the main thing is she phoned you - great-wants to meet up - great- and you have time to tell her you love her unconditionally and will always be there for her. I know you won't but refrain from talking any vitriolic stuff about her mum. Leave her with the " I love you and always will" message ringing in her ears. If she's 15 Dave, believe me she's old enough to make her own mind up if her mum isn't treating you right. Don't be surprised if your daughter at some point sticks up for you to her mum at some point. She's mature enough Dave to " get it". Compared to before Dave, when you were worried about your daughter not seeing you, then her calling YOU is somewhat of a positive is it not. Good luck with things Dave.
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andy4efc said:
I posted some time ago regarding my life and mental struggles. I can openly say I did/do have a gambling problem, and while I quit then it came back slowly over a few weeks, through my own struggle of resisting and possibly even a bit of unknowing enabling from my partner. When posting I think i had quit but hadn't quite "bit the bullet" and left a door open for me to do it "responsibly". Think someone said don't bother, even a tiny thing will draw you back in and it was absolutely correct.

Still struggling feeling low a fair bit, however generally the outlook has been positive. Hit a low point with the gambling 71 days ago (nothing major, no debt, nothing just having that struggle of having to do it and having it as a persistent hobby rather than a bit of fun on a Saturday but feeling that NEED to do it, even if it was only small stakes.). I can't say it's the worst night of my life, as unfortunately my family has been through a hell of a lot worse but I can say it's been the lowest I've felt through my own making. Since then I haven't looked back with betting since, still see adverts and stuff which makes me think and miss it, but ultimately I've thrown myself into work more, thrown myself into COD more, setting my gaming set up even more and really going "yeah, you know what the money I spent on football betting can now go to improving this, improving the house saving, saving money for a car etc". Gambling doesn't get the 'credit' it deserves for being a disease. Being addicted to it has shaped the entirety of my life from the age of 18, gradually taking more control. Honestly without my Mrs i'd 100% still be doing it. It is a life ruiner, and i'm lucky that I've had a mrs that has understood and been supportive. Thankfully i've closed any accounts I have but If i had the chance to look back at how much I'd lost betting over 10 years I would honestly throw up.

Also helps that work is actually a bit quieter due to COVID, become good mates with colleague in the office, Everton look like an ACTUAL football team for the first time in years and years. Looking forward to going to Goodison again. Had the courage to try Sunday League, not my thing after a few games, had an extremely unwelcoming experience with bluekipper years ago but reached 28/29 and decided I need to try it. Absolutely thrown myself into gaming, which is something i'm good at and can be a huge positive 'release' for me. Also at the point where a house deposit is on the horizon, even though its gone up to 15% we will be in a good position to buy with house prices plummeting soon. Will be starting a family soon.

I am 100% confident Everton will that positivity soon, naturally. However I feel in a better place than 3 months ago. For anyone else who feels or knows they've got a problem, there is always 100% a way out of it, you just need to find your way. I've found mine by throwing myself back into gaming and football (a good balance of activity) and distracting myself and now I feel comfortable dismissing betting or having no interest. I have other insecurities but most of the ones ive had in the past 10 years have led back in some direct, or indirect way to gambling.

Sorry for the long read, honestly don't know where else i'd post this just to vent it out I guess, but think its a good example that you can feel low, you can be lonely, you can be positive, you can be relatively happy, you can exercise, its normal but just not let those things be down to a problem that you CAN cut out. I dont think this applies just to a gambling problem, it can relate to smoking and drinking and others im sure. I still feel quite isolated, I don't have a social group, just a work mate or two and my fiance, so can be quite low and lonely sometimes, but apart from that I'm still managing to be positive and focus on the positive aspects of things. Honestly if you can do that, then you can overcome almost anything.

Hopefully another good performance tonight by the blues and I can hit day 72 with another positive start.
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Andy try to avoid " activities" that can lead on to a lack of control. You may have an addictive personality and from what you said, you I suspect have time on your hands, boredom perhaps. It's just a suggestion but it sounds to me that you need to occupy your mind with something worthwhile, meaningful. Can you perhaps consider helping people, doing something in your spare time where having done it you think " I feel really good about myself for doing that". I don't know what spare time you have but could you volunteer, give something which is a very rare commodity, your time. Times like this there are a lot of vulnerable people in need of support and help. It's just a suggestion buddy but if it's not you, I apologize in advance. Good luck with things Andy.
 
Spotty said:
Andy try to avoid " activities" that can lead on to a lack of control. You may have an addictive personality and from what you said, you I suspect have time on your hands, boredom perhaps. It's just a suggestion but it sounds to me that you need to occupy your mind with something worthwhile, meaningful. Can you perhaps consider helping people, doing something in your spare time where having done it you think " I feel really good about myself for doing that". I don't know what spare time you have but could you volunteer, give something which is a very rare commodity, your time. Times like this there are a lot of vulnerable people in need of support and help. It's just a suggestion buddy but if it's not you, I apologize in advance. Good luck with things Andy.
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Excellent advice as always mate.

I’ve been doing voluntary work for years now - a small local mental health charity.

It’s incredibly humbling, but at the moment all voluntary services are suspended due to the virus and will be for the foreseeable :(
 
COYBL25 said:
Excellent advice as always mate.

I’ve been doing voluntary work for years now - a small local mental health charity.

It’s incredibly humbling, but at the moment all voluntary services are suspended due to the virus and will be for the foreseeable :(
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Agree completely your advice is priceless on here Spotty. Also as someone that has been living with mental health issues ( for those nearest and dearest/ the people I love most in life) for too many years THANK YOU COYBL25 for volunteering to help those whom we love and who can't help themselves. We as parents and partners of those that suffer cannot pick to help its our everyday life but you who choose to help and volunteer do it out of the goodness of your hearts. God Bless yous and remember it's your commitment that keeps us sane.
 
Earwigjoe said:
Agree completely your advice is priceless on here Spotty. Also as someone that has been living with mental health issues ( for those nearest and dearest/ the people I love most in life) for too many years THANK YOU COYBL25 for volunteering to help those whom we love and who can't help themselves. We as parents and partners of those that suffer cannot pick to help its our everyday life but you who choose to help and volunteer do it out of the goodness of your hearts. God Bless yous and remember it's your commitment that keeps us sane.
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Thanks for that lovely post mate. I haven’t seen the fella I support for over 3 mths now and I can’t see him again until there’s been a risk assessment on him.

I even asked the charity if I could meet him outdoors in a park or somewhere similar, but they just won’t have it.

It’s the same right across all of the voluntary sector and there’s a tragedy unfolding, as a lot of the people being supported are incredibly vulnerable and lonely too, with the volunteers playing a big part in their lives :(
 

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