Jokes Thread

[chrismpw]

I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm fed up .

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

Reminds me of a time I was in a phone booth, just about the time they were about to start charging you a king's ransom for asking directory enquiries for a phone number of a mates house.
"Hello I'd like a number please"
"Name?"
I told them my name
"Address?"
I told them my address.
I wrote down the number.
MY freeking number.

Another pal outside was wetting himself with laughter.

Didn't exactly cover myself in glory that day.

 

[verreauxi]

Her indoors texted me today to say she was in casualty. I switched the television on and watched it for 50 minutes but didn't see her. She still hasn't come home and I'm waiting for my tea.

"indoors" "casualty" " tea"...man I feel like an American. So as far as I can tell some interior decor--perhaps hooked up to Alexa or Google home--is capable of sending texts about people who die in combat while live on television, and this makes them late for serving a largely flavorless caffeinated beverage??

 

[chrismpw]

"indoors" "casualty" " tea"...man I feel like an American. So as far as I can tell some interior decor--perhaps hooked up to Alexa or Google home--is capable of sending texts about people who die in combat while live on television, and this makes them late for serving a largely flavorless caffeinated beverage??

Translation for those not in the UK:

"Her indoors" - common vernacular for "the wife, the missus, ball and chain, she who must be obeyed"

"Casualty" - the department of a hospital you go to when you experience an emergency or accident, or if you're an utter divvy, a cut finger, twisted ankle, or pan stuck on your head.

"Casualty" - a long running BBC drama centering on the staff and events of a casualty department in a fictitious hospital in a fictitious town called Holby.

"Tea" a ruddy marvelous fortifying and refreshing drink, full of antioxidants, drunk mainly by heroic innovative types with excellent taste. It's subtlty of flavour can only really be released and.appreciated by those who are born into the mysterious arts of the brewing craft who know and understand the ultimately essential requirements of infusing a good brew .... ie let the kettle actually boil, don't fanny about letting it go cold, allow the tea to properly brew, drink the wonderful elixir while discussing the weather, then put the kettle on for the next, quick, before the bladder drops below the 4 gallon mark.
TEA is how the industrial Revolution was lubricated.

 

[Groucho]

sualty" - the department of a hospital you go to when you experience an emergency or accident, or if you're an utter divvy, a cut finger, twisted ankle, or pan stuck on your head.

"Casualty" - a long running BBC drama centering on the staff and events of a casualty department in a fictitious hospital in a fictitious town called Holby.

"Casualty" - the source of medical degrees for Facebok Ma's who think they know everything. (For post graduate courses see Holby City).

 

[Yarrgh]

Translation for those not in the UK:

"Her indoors" - common vernacular for "the wife, the missus, ball and chain, she who must be obeyed"

"Casualty" - the department of a hospital you go to when you experience an emergency or accident, or if you're an utter divvy, a cut finger, twisted ankle, or pan stuck on your head.

"Casualty" - a long running BBC drama centering on the staff and events of a casualty department in a fictitious hospital in a fictitious town called Holby.

"Tea" a ruddy marvelous fortifying and refreshing drink, full of antioxidants, drunk mainly by heroic innovative types with excellent taste. It's subtlty of flavour can only really be released and.appreciated by those who are born into the mysterious arts of the brewing craft who know and understand the ultimately essential requirements of infusing a good brew .... ie let the kettle actually boil, don't fanny about letting it go cold, allow the tea to properly brew, drink the wonderful elixir while discussing the weather, then put the kettle on for the next, quick, before the bladder drops below the 4 gallon mark.
TEA is how the industrial Revolution was lubricated.

Surely tea in this instance is the meal that should be eaten after a hard day's loafing at work?

 

[chrismpw]

Surely tea in this instance is the meal that should be eaten after a hard day's loafing at work?

That tea, to me at least now I've lived darn sarf for too long, is a cuppa and cake at 4pm. Anything else is a disappointment.

When I were a grubby la though, sparking me clogs on Salford's city streets, tea admittedly was spam, chips and beans at 4.30.

*Gets nostalgic

 

[Methuselah]

It was only a joke.

 

[Yarrgh]

It was only a joke.

That's what Farhad said after they offered Big Scam an 18 month contract a few weeks after talking to him.

 

[AndyC]

A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:
Husband : I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn’t come back yet.
Inspector : What is her height?
Husband : Average, I guess.
Inspector : Slim or healthy?.
Husband : Not slim, but probably healthy.
Inspector : Colour of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Inspector : Colour of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Inspector : What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Inspector : Was she driving?
Husband : Yes.
Inspector : Colour of the car?
Husband : Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… and then the husband started crying…

Inspector: Don’t worry sir,…We will find your car.

 

[Seathestars]

The wife came home with a chicken and said she bought it in IKEA, I didn’t believe her until I was putting it in the oven and it’s leg fell off.

 

[Methuselah]

Her indoors is a Yorkshire lass, known for being careful with their money. She won't go on a plane, never been on one. She says 'if God had meant us to fly he would have given us tickets'.

 

[PITA]

The wife came home with a chicken and said she bought it in IKEA, I didn’t believe her until I was putting it in the oven and it’s leg fell off.

Another shocking example of the use of the word it’s. See chrismpw above for a similar offence.

 

[The binman chronicles]

Another shocking example of the use of the word it’s. See chrismpw above for a similar offence.

Mate that just isn't a funny joke, you need a better source.

 

[PITA]

Mate that just isn't a funny joke, you need a better source.

Who’s joking?

 

[chrismpw]

Another shocking example of the use of the word it’s. See chrismpw above for a similar offence.

I dun lern grammer good.
Is auto korrekt wat dus it.