Hello we’re back again, more Everton coming your way. The thrills, the spills, yer dar’s espadrilles.

It’s been a while and the pity of it is that literally no one you know is arsed has been arsed about international football since the nineties, very much in the same vein no one is truly arsed about eating at Wimpy’s since the nineties.

Let’s put it out there from the start – gherkins maketh the burger. It’s proven science and if you’re reading this shaking your head then consider the environmental impact from the millions of gherkins lashed out the window at 60mpm bombing down the East Lancs and Edge Lane alone each year. Why not give them a try?

If gherkins maketh the burger then wins maketh the Everton.


After a couple of seasons of Everton shithousing potential points it’s been refreshing to see Everton picking up good points despite not really getting going. Which in fairness indicates if we don’t get going then we’ll dip soon enough.

The Stoke game was enjoyable as it was Everton grinding a one nil in a game that left us with sixteen days to ponder it. Koeman is bringing back the backbone to a prior jellyfish type Everton. It may take some time, there will be pitfalls and of course it will all go to utter ratshit when he leaves us in two year’s time but that’s your Everton.

Transfer window was built up and then came and past without too much going on, I wrote a few words on it if you click this hyperlink and when the dust has settled it was pretty middle of the road transfer window. Sissoko seems like an uber beaut so I’m not too arsed, the lack of a proven striker up front could be a problem but there’s no point beating your brain too much of stuff that may happen or your doctor is gonna be writing that prescription of mirtazapine quicker than you think.


So sixteen days later we are about to roll up at the Stadium Of Light and see a familiar face or two. None more so than David Moyes our manager for 11 years who then jibbed us for Man Utd of which there’s no real hard feelings. There are some hard feelings over the words he used to pat lil ol’ Everton on the head when subsequently trying to purchase Baines and Fellaini a short time after. Evertonians have ridiculously long memories for such things so we’ll no doubt see some comedy goading but all things considered we’ve moved on and so has he, and he wishes he had it as good as it was with us.

So let’s cuckold with Koeman ploughing us without mercy while he holds his hand, or however they do it on Top Rated with the duration set to 30 days to eliminate all the really old stuff but no less than one week lest those Chinese spam bots auto-rate their own ad-bongo to the top and you click on it, only to dampen a start as much as a Ford Capri with a dodgy choke on a cold winter’s morning, 1983. Whatever your genre, you’re alright by me.


Again the season start curse strikes again as I can’t bring myself to dislike Sunderland which naturally makes for an even duller preview. In fact, out of all the Premier League clubs around they are the ones I probably have most time for. Their fans are reasonable enough – save for a few hysteria driven scruffs but hey who are we to talk – and they have a good appreciation of history and going the game for a pint with your mates and not to #BANTERPARTY. Also they score double points for having a lamentable near neighbour with collective ADD and delusion issues.

We feel their pain. Although it must be noted that Sunderland have won more league titles than the half Scottish black and white ritalin hooked relegation monkeys. Well in Sunderland, until you lose your head over McCarthy injuring one of your players we’ll continue on this amicable basis.

There’s not a lot in Sunderland, save for some really nice countryside around it in County Durham. There’s some Scandia Green at 10am types on the streets but a fair humoured people and, well, how did they vote in the Brexit? They’re the anti Merseyside I’m afraid with 61% voting for xenophobia and a shit economy for 25 years. The impact worryingly may fall on the huge Nissan plant up that way but hey at least there’ll be less Polish supermarkets, and all the stunning Polish girls to perve off.


We move onto a list of selected players to quickly get towards the end of this dirge:

Defoe – gap toothed bling pixie who nets like a champion and will pain us unless Ashley Williams reminds him that he was playing in Canada not so long ago.

Watmore – ginger skillful local lad up front who must have a gooch like yer nan’s two month old brillo pad.

Januzaj – is he any good? A Schrodinger’s Cat type of winger. Play him behind closed doors and who knows?

Khazri – If there’s a casting couch for a North African Despicable Me then he’s on it for Gru.


Kirchhoff – would take at least 2nd prize in a Pontin’s Xabi Alonso look-a-like competition and meant to be good.

Pienaar – bass voiced wee God loving sex pixie who I will love a long time. Hope Baines hurts him though.

Kone – pleased he gave Sunderland some more time rather than being a 6 month shithouse. If he’s any nick then we’ll make them an offer too good soon enough.

Pickford – Moyes kept swiping on Tinder until he could swipe no more. Toey it from distance Everton.

Ok Everton then.


Big Ronald Koeman sporting a face like an overnight soaked hock of ham has a few options with which to approach this. Being as comfortable with tactics as a dog with a firework my best guess of a line up would be worse than any of yours.

Lukaku will start, fresh his two goal salvo against Cyprus and the enthusiastic words of Koeman ringing in his ears promising he’s almost at his best. A good time to start scoring loads of goals then, they’re much missed. You’d guess that Barkley will play behind and – once again – this is the type of game he should make the difference in if he’s arsed about England camps.

Mirallas is in favour – nice to see too – so I reckon him and Bolasie, who has thoroughbred glutes if you haven’t noticed and could squat your mother all the way home from the Lomax, will start. Do hope Deulofeu gets a few sub appearances as you feel that would suit him best at the moment and then take it from there. Least it’s not Cleverley, Kone or Eto’o out wide anyway.


Barry will be nailed for midfield as he’s probably our most effective player and the little royal blue Power Ranger Gueye making sure absolutely no one gets to the edge of our box without being pestered like a Mediterranean hornet all over your Solero.

It would seem that if a four is played then Williams and Jagielka will be preferred, Baines at left back because the ghost of Bryan Oviedo is haunted by fibula plates and at right back there may be a conundrum – do we stick with young ace Holgate or plough the returning Irish captain straight into right back on his return. Up to Koeman that but I lean towards the fight for your place Seamus lid camp.

Stekelenburg in goal who of course we don’t want to talk about much unless he’s a mirage of a good keeper in the way Tommy Myhre was until we got up close.


That’s what’s cooking.

And we’re back to the beginning. Making a successful Everton will be like a recipe with the right ingredients thrown in at just the right time. There’s a long way to go yet, but with some luck we’ll find ourselves a gherkin or two.