Newcastle v Everton

Had a nice Christmas? Ready to play some cringey half Scottish shitheads? Course you are, and if even if you’re not ready it’s going to happen anyway, so read on to learn nothing new about anything much.
Firstly a look back on the game before and who needs the Grinch at Christmas when you have Everton? That was a half arsed performance as there’s been, with nothing too much about Leicester that should place them at the top of the table, but not taking it away from their either as they worked hard for it and we appreciate that type of stuff.
Just a note on that victory. A highlight for me was the amount of tweets I got post victory to try to remonstrate as they didn’t appreciate that I didn’t know where they are from or care too much about it. The owner of the site even got complaint emails, rather wonderfully. And then they won and were at top of the league for Christmas. Can you imagine the scenes in our fanbase? We’d be trying to neck everyone instead. What they doing reading Everton sites anyway? Something something about insecure and yo yo club and small time.
It’s also kick started the ol’ debate of Martinez’s suitability in role as leader of Everton. Looking at the January fixture list I reckon this one is going to role for some time yet too. The patience reserves of the fan base were used up with eleven years of Moyes, and now lids are fracking for whatever lays left down there.
I’m merely another online beaut so it’s not my place what to think or even to pass too much opinion on it as there’s seldom many Evertonians that will change their mind over internet debate. We can only see how it pans out and hope that we see an ace Everton sometime soon in our life as it’s been too long.
Two semi finals coming up will be magnified beyond belief, imagine we take a shoeing in them?
That’s not forgetting the league which is all over the show this season and just makes the massive missed opportunity even more paining. If you think back to this time last year it was a horrid time so I hope they’re planning on preventing another dull festive period. The fact that Newcastle are absolutely gubbins means we should firmly be targeting three points for this, and I don’t care that it’s away. I don’t care that Asprilla once played for them and some Belgian scored a chip when they beat Newcastle five nil one time. They have won nothing for absolute beards and it’s firmly because they’re a dogshit yo yo club in a one city team so think attendances bestow greatness on them.
The dull weasel voiced teds.
If you’re making the unfortunate journey up to the Scottish borders then be prepared for over jovial types who think they’re cock of the year (but pretend to be your best mate when out numbered at Goodison) and Stasi type law enforcement.
Their women however are deliciously loose which a definite bonus point and for that we applaud the place. Far preferable to the lash wearing, Ming The Merciless eyebrowed, fanta faced wage sucking nazis of our fair city. Apologies sisters and mother. It does however mean that by virtue of their women being looser moralled that every single one of their mothers has seen a truck load of cock during their time. Every single one on their mars. And all their Nans eventually age into Brian Kilcline lookalikes, at 36 years of age.
But no doubt they’ll sing “feed the scousers” for the top banTZ. Or turn up dressed as Bananaman for a match because they’re such lads.
You know what? That’s being unfair. I continually have a go at Newcastle in my previews and it’s shame as as I like them a great deal as people, much more than the majority of the country but sadly that would make for an even duller preview. I just wish they’d tone it down a bit over the footie. It’s like a competition to out do each other with displays of “passion” when really it should read “bellwipe behaviour”.
Who they going to play? Lots of players who cost big money. To be honest that’s not a slant as pretty much all players in the Premier League cost big money. They have that hot young striker Mitrovic up front who struggled as first but we’re the type of opposition to get a confidence boost from, we specialise in it in fact. Their boy Cisse – the big furrowing hulk – is out injured for this.
Other notable players are Dutch lad Wijnaldum who will play behind the striker, or maybe on the left, and will be need to be watched as he’s a tricky wee thing and is settling into English football slowly but surely. I best mention him otherwise it will put the mockers on us and he’ll score, that Perez lad may also play as he’s also made an impact on them of late.
Midfield is where we can definitely get to them as it’s a bit powder puff. Anita and probably Colback will play there and with all due respect we should be able to out footie them but in fairness we were meant to do similar to Bournemouth, Norwich and Leicester of late and gubbed it. Barkley seems to turn up against these so I hope he notes their middle of their park looking a bit underwhelming.
Defence is usual Newcastle – Coloccini and a collection of misfits. They’re usually a bit more sturdier on home soil so I doubt we’ll benefit too much, we seldom have an easy win at Newcastle. Elliot will play in goal.
Newcastle like so many Premier League teams (ourselves firmly included) are in a big bunch of teams usually feeding for scraps off the top table and with stand out players from other leagues who are prone to good and bad days in the competitive Premier League. It’s not quite a lottery but this season is testament to each team being able to beat another on it’s day.
There’s a recurring theme in these previews this season in that with the quality in Everton’s team that we should have too much for the opposition, yet we find ourselves dead in the middle of the table at Christmas. Maybe that’s where we belong this year and that’s a reflection of our players, their inexperience and of course the manager.
Festive periods as well as offering threat also offer opportunity so much will depend on the players picked to kick start something, anything that will give us a better second half of season.
Lukaku can’t stop scoring which really should be goals that fire us forward but instead you get the feeling that the only thing it’s firing is interest in a proven young goal scorer with many top attributes come the end of the season. I seen lids getting proper chocka over some instagram he posted this week where he was dressed like a night out in New Brighton and talking about looking for the next challenge. Herein lies half the problem – in the modern game the players (thanks to that tithead Belgian Bosman) are put so much on a pedestal for their footballing talents that it leads them to believe that anything they say is said with purpose. Many of them spunk out motivational quotes like Archimedes on 80s whizz, yet it’s not their intellectual prowess that elevates them over us mere mortals, just that they’re better at kicking a ball round a pitch than pretty much everyone else in the country.
It also affects us in that it doesn’t matter how much you or I think about Everton to them, or the grand old history or culture around the place. They would jib us off for an extra 20,000 instagram followers and Champions League football.
This isn’t likely to change any time soon and there’s a good argument to say it’s too deeply ingrained when you see how your average nugget speaks about football using the cliches and edgy views of those they follow on TV. For all intents and purposes Premier League football is the new big soap opera of the masses. Or maybe I’m the misplaced dinosaur longing for a game that no longer exists? Not sure how this links into Lukaku so much but my point is that you’re best sweating Everton a little less than you used to because you care a lot more than pretty much all the players, those making the decisions at the club and those providing the narration in the media of it all.
You can’t sweat Stones, Lukaku et all dropping us in the summer because it’s one of a hundred pitfalls in a stinking money washed modern game. Want them to stay? Then do SOMETHING. WIn something. Get Champions League football so they can put it in their twitter bio and tweet something pre match dead poignant about going into battle that has been ripped right out of The Art Of War, a book or concept they have absolutely no idea of. But Joe in Huddersfield is going to absolutely love it and comment on it and then BBC Live Text are going to post Joe’s comments and then loads of other people are going to retweet Joe’s comments and then someone is going to tweet Joe back and give him “the banter” and Joe will retort and both will go at it while everyone is glued to their Samsung or iPhone or iPad or laptop waiting for a victor to be declared – when both Joe and foe will view it as victory as they gain a thousand followers and their moment in the sun. Joe ends up getting slaps on the back from his mates at making it big and then gets his “legendary tweet” tattooed onto his forearm for eternity, but in Greek writing as that makes it so much more profound.
The players, the fans, them all. It’s an oceania of shallow insecure gobshites.
So leave Lukaku in his white suit probably posting an innocent instagram with nothing to do about leaving and excuse my mini meltdown there. This means I have no room to talk about the rest of the team, but you can probably guess it as the personnel don’t change and sadly neither do the hard luck stories of late.
One thing though – if you’ve unfortunately made it this far – before we go balls deep in with this bunch of San Diego vultures, read up a little first so you know how it goes. It’s widely reported that there’s other options on the table for Everton in terms of being bought out and I think it’s prudent to know all the options. Even if we’re not shareholders and have no right to know as such.
They do fear your social media momentum – or the traditional Evertonian method of protest of having one of our lids hanging off their speeding bonnet –  so you defo count for something. Owners can last 15 years (longer than most marriages) so it’s good housekeeping to make sure we don’t end up with what very much appear to be leeches. Let’s see all the options, because shareholders are always more inclined to take the best offer for them, than the best offer for our lovely Everton. Except obviously it’s not ours really but they wrecked our weekends so we can claim some form of squatter rights.
I genuinely don’t know where I’m going here so I’ll end it.
Maybe these Americans will just buy us out anyway and then close the club down to turn Goodison into a luxury car park. Lukaku can park his Bugatti or whatever he likes there then, so maybe he’ll never leave us after all.
Anyway, wake up Everton smash these. Because you so should.

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