Everton come from 2-0 down to beat West Brom 3-2 thanks to goals from Lukaku and Kone.

Welcome to the single worst match report you’ll ever read, best read in the voice of Rhod Gilbert or Clive James. This is gonna be plagiarism-tastic….

John Stones was rested along with Seamus Coleman, in what I assume is preparation for Sunday’s operation-get-Brendan-Rodgers-the-sack. Gerard Deulofeu started.

Following a reasonable start to the campaign, and still being in the League Cup after two potentially tricky ties, like someone with a few too many tattoos, this one had Everton written all over it.

Everton started, well, slowly. Not much to get aroused about in the first 30 minutes at all really. Might as well face it we’re addicted to duds.

Like a pack of lobsters in a restaurant’s tank, Everton attempted to go on the attack – hopelessly and uselessly. Harsh? Perhaps, yes, but analogies are what’s getting me through this. The defence looked OK-ish up to this juncture, but we couldn’t really seem to find a coherent and co-ordinated attacking strategy, apart from ‘give it to Deulofeu’ – no bad thing in itself, that, though.

And then just before half time, with some poor play from Gareth Barry and Funes Mori, and the defence in general, West Brom get a goal. Like MOT time at Volkswagen HQ, it couldn’t have been worse for Everton. A real shame this, because I like Frank Skinner.

Half time. Poor on the whole so far. Just as well we kept hold of John Stones really, isn’t it? I’m loathe to criticise Lukaku because while he has no first touch to speak of, I rate the lad – perhaps some criticism should be aimed at the midfield for not creating enough for him to slot home? Either way, the side needs to be more clinical attacking-wise.

For the second half, I feared Everton were about to grab their ankles. We just didn’t seem to want it, while they were up for it. West Brom had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

Like Smooth Radio’s playlist, Everton were all too predictable and went two goals down, with Lukaku getting one back soon after from a Deulofeu cross. I like the lad I have to say. I know he has his faults but I feel he’s a good ‘un. Everton were back in it, although the last time Everton won in the league after being 2-0 down was “that” match against Wimbledon in 1994. Would that change tonight?

West Brom appeared to be running scared of Deulofeu, but the rest of the team needed to match this.

Naismith’s booking, and McCarthy’s dive? No, I can’t get my head around them either. But then I can’t get my head around Arouna Kone actually being an OK player after realising he has knees that aren’t made of spit, blu-tak and paper maché. 2-2 Everton in a match where we really weren’t at our best. It’s at this point, I start to feel justified in my love for Lukaku, in that he’s a totally different player and looks miles better with proper support.

Who’s Assita? Have you had your flu jab yet?

And then total scenes, limbs, you name it, my love for Romelu Lukaku is complete, a goal to put us ahead in the last 10 minutes. He celebrated his goal which is unusual for him against a former team as far as I know, which for me means that he’s a proper blue, as much as a millionaire mercenary footballer can be, anyway. I love you Romelu and if I was eight I’d pretend to be you in the school yard in footie games. That’s high praise from a goalie, yeah?

Yes, we win from behind in the league for the first time since that day in ’94.

So that’s that. While I’ll give the last word to tonight’s opposing manager Tony Pulis, I’m looking forward to Martinez playing our best eleven players on Sunday and smashing Liverpool. Here’s hoping anyway. Don’t forget to make your work butties for tomorrow before going to bed. Please do not use foul language in this thread, or I shall be vexed. Goodnight Austin, Texas, wherever you are…..

 

 

 

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