Whilst Everton probably fills many roles in your life, the role of great limiter is one it seems to particularly enjoy. Let the anticipation grow and sprinkle with some tangible hope and then revert to type just as you caught yourself daydreaming of fantastic things.


A bit melodramatic after just two games in but it’s very much four points dropped as we failed to see two games out that we were more than comfortable in, but plenty of time to put it right and I have a (probably misplaced) feeling they will do just that.

The Arsenal game was the second time in a matter of four months that we dominated one of the best teams in the land all over the park, only this time we slipped back into Moyes mode and fatally dropped fifteen yards towards the end of the game and, well, you just knew didn’t you? The human Pepe le Peu popped up and we were rueing what might have been. Cue a week of fretting over Everton.

And then we signed one of the world’s best strikers of the past decade. Everton, that. But more of Samuel a little later.


So it’s onto the next match, the last one before a frankly [Poor language removed] international break to interrupt a season just as it’s getting going. What happened to just playing midweek and not interrupting the games before or after? I don’t want to join the long list of tedious ranting about FIFA/UEFA/Der FA but they seem to interrupt rather than compliment the game we collectively love. Like the annoying beaut in the office who rattles off hair brained ways of increasing team morale at the office meeting when truth be told you just want to get in and out, and with some good fortune get your fingers up Kimberley from HR should the opportunity present itself at the Christmas party. If not then angst ridden masturbation with one headphone in (the one ear open for feet at the top of the stairs) on the couch downstairs when you return home, POV (be filthy for ME just ME Kim) squinting so your carefully selected girl has a passing resemblance to Kim in your booze and substance addled mind.

Not that many of you would do that, nor me.

Chelsea then.

This is the point where I should join the herd and patronise you by saying there’s no easy games in the Premier League these days, when clearly there are, even if Everton make hard work of them. Burnley for instance. If we don’t dry bum them to within an inch of their woolly lives then I’ll be deeply upset.


But Chelsea are a different proposition as they are settling into a second season of the second coming of Mourinho. One of the famed world managers of recent years has returned to release them from their purgatory of renowned similar world managers – not forgetting also Avram Grant and Roberto Di Matteo – to kick start them to previous days of glory. Despite them winning the Champions League and the league a few times since he left. Tough times eh?

Lots of words are wrote about Mourinho and I’m somewhere in the middle but will always have a keen admiration for his perceptive skills of really disliking the cock knockers across the park. He just hasn’t taken to them at all and instead of being the usual shithouse of burying his views (lest the bullets in the post) and lazily enthusing over dem famous Yurapeen nights and der boot room, he instead antagonises them at every available opportunity. And we all know that that particular beast doesn’t like being prodded with a stick. But he’s won much more than them in his short time as a manager so it’s permitted. Long may it continue too, it’s wonderful viewing.

It’s also apparently in fashion to have a go at the entire club for plastic flags and @CHELSEAMADBOI97 type fans from Lagos but truth be told the ones I know are generally sound, have a little contempt for modern football and are grounded enough to remember the days of Dixon and Speedie being a godsend as they battled relegation oh too often. I don’t begrudge them their success, we’d be buzzing with similar and were once known as the Mersey Millionaires lest we shake our head at abundant riches.


But mostly I like them just because they really don’t the thunderbells residing on the wrong side of Stanley park.

Along with City they have bonafide hopes of the title this year and when you study the whole package it’s evident why. They have a long list of really ace players, but obviously will be smarting terribly over the loss of Lukaku, Eto’o and Atso – which if they play together will make it sound like the commentator has an allergy for our games.

The big unit of Drogba is once again wearing their shirt and has grocked us once or twice before, and could be due a start as the new sheriff in town Diego Costa has done his hamstring in. Gutted for him. Or we could be exposed to the World’s Best Best Ever Striker of 2009 Fernando Torres, back in the day when kopites thought they were Spanish, bless them. Either way with the paucity of options up front for them there’s an opportunity to make our superior options count, mainly due to signing their best two strikers they had. That’s just Wall Street for you folks. 


Chelsea are fond of the three little nippy tits behind the main striker and such is the host of options there that I couldn’t possibly predict who will play, and nor am I too arsed. But expect some of the excellent Hazard (is he the son of Mickey?), that Will.I.An tit and maybe a return for Schurrle who done really well in the World Cup. But so did Costa Rica. Or Oscar? You still even reading?

Fabregas is back in London but in blue this time and let’s not beat around the bush here is one massively bad texan with the same pervy eyes of the baddy from Heroes before it went crap, which was before the end of the first series. No doubting he’s a player though and our midfield will have to get a grip/snide him and his colleagues early doors and keep it that way if we’re to prevail.

Defence is lead by another utter fist in John Terry but he can’t help himself on that front as it’s ingrained in his DNA, the puffy eyed 2003 haircutted phoney. Watching his and Gerrard’s slow demise has been a particular side dish of some enjoyment over the last year or two. They have other defenders and a keeper, and that’s me all out of Chelsea talk apart from to state that they will all too aware that Goodison isn’t a place they’ve got much change out of in recent years and coupled with their need to put a marker down on the season, this won’t be a game they will need motivation for.


So what cha gonna do about it Everton? Possibly a spirited but meek turning over but that would not be too good for the purposes of this preview, so we’ll lean towards another of the country’s top clubs getting a swift pumping at the hands of the Grandad collared boys in azul.

Lukaku is a doubt after leaving the pitch bootless on the weekend’s game so we will have to wait on that one but if he does play then it’s a big moment for the self confessed boyhood Chelsea fan playing after being recently shunned by them. Maybe he wasn’t good enough for their aspirations, who knows? I’m not too fussed as he’s sound for us.

Obviously having just one potentially disgruntled ex Chelsea striker on the pitch is never enough so we followed it up this week by announcing the signing of Samuel Eto’o. A quick look at his name invokes feelings in some FIFA types of Oh EM GEE! Samuel Eto’o, like THE Samuel Eto’o! He the ace! But being Evertonians we are more fixated on his 33 years of age and questionable motivation after winning everything worth winning. In the background there are the ghosts of Gascoigne and Ginola past rattling their chains and urging us to pipe down. Maybe so. But we needed cover in that area so the deal ticks a lot of boxes and if there is a chance of him being ace then holy frijoles: there shall be some sexing around L4 4EL this season. We can but hope.


All this doesn’t push Naismith out of the picture like a pair of well worn trabs on Boxing Day. Over the calendar year I can’t think of any who have impressed me more. There’s many good elements to his game and despite never destined to be a world beater he is at the right club in terms of fans appreciating them. Long may he prosper and he can brag indirectly to his family about vying to keep Samuel Eto’o out of the team, almost a year and exact fixture to the day when a certain Scottish poster on the forum was sat next to me and abusing him silly, unbeknown that the entire Naismith clan was sat directly in front of us. That goal at half time was a turning point, even if it wasn’t obvious at the time and I for one am made up he plays for EFC.

Let’s skip quickly over the players then. Mirallas didn’t have his best game but seems to be searching for his edge back after a long summer and so we may be see McGeady reinstated. Pienaar is a loss and typical that after a cracking first game he’s injured in the second, that’s just how Everton rolls. No Atsu for this as he’s loan tied or something. McCarthy and Barry were sound in midfield for about 75 minutes before hitting the wall. Gibson and Besic sit in quiet but eager deputy some time soon perhaps?

Just want to cram this in here when proof reading before posting, but we have serious options at a boss 4-3-3 this season too. Hope we see it. Against someone cack first of course, just in case.


Our defence has been a problem, none more illustrated when Arsenal got their first goal back by their only man in amongst five Everton players reaching the ball from a low cross. I’m not too sure it symbolises the changing of the guard just yet but it does open the door for some other feasible options there. Coleman did what he does so well in his first game back and I’m hopeful of Baines imposing himself more this season. Howard will start in goal.

So, like a frustrated Icelandic volcano we are sat a bit dormant whilst looking menacing. Will we blow? Probably at some point and low betide those in our way.

Sacking off the poor volcano metaphor right to bring this to a close; it’s a very difficult game that will usher in some thinking time with a fortnight international break afterwards. So early on it’s a fork in the road of the season and hopefully we can produce the goods needed to rein vigour some of you sagging already in the ranks. The traction gained from the Chelsea win this time last year produced a run of form where not many teams could live with us in the division, and not much has changed there, we gonna hurt some teams bad in their forthcoming season. Cruelly even.


Of all those aforementioned roles that Everton provide in your life; my personal favourite one is ‘maker of sound weekends’ because in the razzmatazz hub dub of Product Premier League it’s sometimes lost that it’s mainly just about that.

So make it about that Everton.