Everton v Man City v Liverpool Match

How long’s left Ref? That long? What did you add all the time on for? LADS HE SAID THERE’S JUST TWO GAMES LEFT, KEEP YOUR HEADS HERE.

This season has gone on a bit hasn´t it?

Coming towards the crescendo is another massive game. It’s been a good season really, even more so when you consider the anxieties you probably had when a swarthy new Latin manager walked through our gates for the first time in the summer. But in retrospect it’s been sound. We’ve adapted well enough to new methods and have played some ace stuff. All things considered I’m sat typing this on a very uncomfortable couch (sofa = WOOL) feeling quite optimistic about our future for the boys in blue.

But this game is sticking in the throat like a bad gary. It’s got to drop at some point. Win this game and the consequences are higher than most games, but it won’t be easy. We never really win at Goodison Park and Everton are going to be right up for it.


Listen let’s get it out of the way at the start. There is little you or I – or them – can do about the outcome of the game, as the simple fact is that we are not that good at togger to play for Everton. Yes, it crushed my dreams too but that’s the startling reality.

So while the idle tongues have been wagging this week about if Everton want to win or not it’s irrelevant. Can you see Martinez sending out a team to meekly step aside a la Liverpool v Chelsea a couple of years ago? Can you picture banners stating that we’re Mancs for the day? Or maybe even loads of City shirts on the Gwladys Street like Blackburn at Anfield in 1995? No, neither can I. Well I’m lying as I probably can see a goading banner on a bed sheet somewhere but not the other two.

What has been fun has been them getting piped right down and cowing to us like a creepy uncle at Christmas who’s fell out with yer mar trying to curry favour by being dead sound with you. It doesn’t fool us. You’ll revert to the bells you usually are when the game passes. What’s been heartening has been the scores of neutral fans who have made it clear that their preference would be for City to beat Everton this coming Saturday. It’s not what the media outlets are trying to make you believe. Nothing restores faith in humanity than humanity itself rising up to reject all things kopite. They were huddling as though they’d won the thing and selling Champions t-shirts. Seeing them sweating like their grid has been plastered all over the Echo’s Caught On Camera robbing packs of Wrigley’s Spearmint in the local Aldi has been the week’s beautiful moment. I’d conceded them spawning it. I probably still have.

Anyway, there’s a game to be played so there’ll be no more reference to that. Everything just got to be about them, doesn’t it?

The Southampton game was a disappointment and coupled with the Arsenal win on Monday pretty much put paid to those Tuesday and Wednesday night dreams you may have had for next season. That will be now the sole reserve of us getting knocked out of the League Cup in uninspiring fashion and those ace mid week league games of which there are never enough. Thursday nights are still to play for, and we are not the type to turn our nose up at a visit to a weird European city with exotic beer and more liberal attitudes towards sex. I’m only continuing to write these by now tiring previews in the hope I get to poorly stereotype European peoples like I´m running for the UKIP at some point in the non too distant future.

City come to town chasing the scent of glory despite them not really being so consistent this season. It’s usually agreed that they have the best squad of players and a dead cool manager, that smokes, but they are prone to periods of baffling inconsistency. The good news is that they are getting their key players back from injury for the important last few games.

When I referred to that being good news, I clearly meant for City so pipe down Josh from Aldershot sat there in your minty Crown Paints top you utter hank.

Although never the easy alliance it was painted out to be – some of you will remember more than moody experiences around Maine Road – there was generally a nodding head understanding between City and our good selves for many years. You know all the similarities so I don’t need to go into them. Evertonians have an appreciation of impending doom suffocating you even in happiest moments and City perhaps appreciate that even more than us.

Then they got rich and tea towels on head and Joleon Lescott and Mark Hughes and all that stuff happened that meant we stopped holding hands. It was a changing in the dynamics of our relationship and it probably hurt us a little as we hoped money wouldn’t change and they would defeat the bells hogging the top four spots with good solid working class panache.

As with most things these days you have to pay attention to not what´s being said but instead who is saying it – and in these modern times those doing the talking are unfortunately the complete and utter pipes who occupy social media. Maybe we were just paying attention to the XR2i driving scrotes with the bad jeans from St John’s tweeting about how much richer they were than Everton now? Truth be told all the City fans I’ve continued to meet have been the same as they were before, just happier

We will be happy too, just you watch. Microsoft Office 2002 presentations can have that effect on me. Until I pick up the Echo and see Liverpool Council paining to state that they can’t afford to pay for a new stadium. Oh Everton.

Suppose we should review their players really but there’s no real point is there? I’ve rambled on far too long and stated the very obvious intertwined as usual with weak analogies. You know the City players well as they are amongst some of the best in the world.

For the purposes of previewing I’ll pick a few. David Silva, the wee fancy flick-a-ball pixie, plays the game beautifully. He wanders round the pitch as though he’s one of the most handsome lads in the Paradox wearing boss clothes and just going around club-necking loads of boss birds. There’s nothing you can do to stop him and although you wish it was you it doesn’t stop you having a begrudging respect for him as well as clocking what shirt he’s wearing and trying to find the same one, or a cheaper alternative, in town on your next pay day.

Negredo started the season like a striker so boss that he mocked a big Everton ghost-bid to bide his time and earn loads more money by signing for City and ruining defences. Then got injured and lost a bit of form, anyway he’s back for this an apparently up for it. Him or another striker linked to us, Dzeko will start up front with Sergio Aguero who clearly has never, ever been linked with Everton.

Yaya Toure is ace. A heady combination of physique, technical skills and consistency. One of the best midfielders in the league and a player who can turn games into wins for his team virtually on his own.

Some of you – well out of the four people that bother to read them – have indicated that you peruse them just to catch up with the hunt for the missing Malaysian flight. Well I’m sad to report that the world has got bored of looking for it now as the media have dropped the story. No dice. Not when there’s Russians rampaging Ukranian cities making Obama tut, South Korean ferries trying to do reverse Js like they’re in the Showcase car park and Prince Harry splitting from a girlfriend that no one knew or was arsed about him seeing.

However in related Malaysian flying news its been overly tweeted that everyone’s favourite mascot Ric Wee is flying over to this game (unconfirmed which airline) and will presumably cause the same reaction on City Road as if you put a wee kitten in the middle of a bunch of hormonal teenage girls. Have anyone clocked that he’s got incredibly similar glasses to Max off The Lost Boys? Perhaps we shouldn’t invite him into Goodison like. Just make him go through the turnstyle then get one of the Frog Brothers to clock him in the grid with a pure burst of garlic infused holy water rar out of a supersoaker? Just to make sure?

What am I even talking about? Back to City. No swerve that, I want to talk about Everton.

Lukaku’s a big unit isn’t he? This could very well be his last home game and he’s been good for us, much better than those pointing out he’s crap because the Mirror said we will have to pay £20m for him. He will only get better too. Like any other young striker he will be prone to poor games and poor decision making. I do hope that the Rebel Alliance manage to find a way in through his ear and destroy the forcefield that protects him, often from balls that are played to him over 20mph with his back to goal. I’ll miss you anyway Romelu – not that you read this. Unless you’re one of the four? If so then sack Chelsea off and come to play for us for a few years, it would be boss. We’re good together.

Not sure who will play up there too, probably Naismith, probably not Barkley who must be slightly anxious about his summer plans and probably Leon Osman and McGeady. Deulofeu is also very much in the learning the game bracket and I do hope he has the willing to come back for another season as it would benefit him as much, if not more, than us.

Barry can´t play anyway can he? Pah forgot about that. So Barkley could be played deeper maybe? I’m hardly arsed anyway – McCarthy is there so we’ll at least make it competitive in the middle.

The defence injuries caught up with us during key parts of the season but there’s no doubt that those injuries had a positive symptom too in the emergence of John Stones – who I pain to state again is very much learning the game but weirdly at times much ahead in his development than the other two I stated. I can’t work out Alcaraz as he can look ace and then sort of not at fault for goals but not stopping them either. Maybe that’s how Wigan got relegated? We´ve seen enough of them defences in our time.

Jagielka is fit for this apparently and will show how he’s been missed, he’s particularly good at stopping the opposition from scoring which is a key requisite for playing central defence, lest we forget. Coleman and also fit Baines should play full back. Unless Martinez plays five to compensate for the missing Barry in midfield? And the threat of playing the best players in the league? I’ve stated thinking again too much – Tim Howard in goal and that’s pretty much it.

So at half past five you’ll know how to feel. It’s Goodison and I presume you and I are similar in Goodison being our happy place. Well, if Everton turn up that is.

If Everton turn up.


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