Cenk Tosun revealed all the behind the scenes gossip over his move to the English Premier League’s favourite under-achievers, Everton.
“I never heard of them, but they said they came from Liverpool in England. I was very excited to play for them when their manager explained that the zeros on the contract were actually zeros in pounds and not Turkish lira.”
“When I arrived, I was somewhat bemused to be announced at half time on twitter whilst the team were losing. But it’s a different more open and progressive footballing culture at Everton than Bestikas. The social media manager back home would have been swinging by his ankles whilst the fans pelted him with stones and broken bottles – here nothing!”
“Big Sam as we call the manager tries his best all the time to make me feel at home. Yesterday he forced me to eat a giant water melon sized kebab from what he called a chippy. I tried to explain that it wasn’t the best option for an athlete, and that I had been on a carefully prepared scientific diet for maximum performance. He looked at me like I was crazy. He tossed it to Ashley, who wolfed it down saying that there was always room for a third. All the others were laughing saying that it’s what you need after a skinful. I did not understand.”
“I took training today. It’s crazy. We watched videos of Swansea, and asked if we were on the success train to Victoryville by a small round man who kept bouncing around excitedly. I did not understand, but those that said yes got to play against Arsenal. I didn’t understand the tactics, but to motivate us, a man with an earpiece went to the stand for some reason. The manager Big Sam asked if the 7 defensive players had been having skinfuls again. I need to look that up.”
“After the match, Big Sam blamed us the players for all the ills of the world and said that we were as much use a bistro granules in the desert. I said I wanted to play and prove my worth and that I was a proud professional who would die for my team. Big Sam laughed and said I wasn’t ready to play with an attitude like that. I did not understand. Oumar said that this was common at Everton and to wait until they took my locker away as some sort of test. Davy the Dutch guy said that it was common for this here and the more they paid, the longer they give you to settle in.”
“Even though it is very strange here, and I don’t understand what the tactics are, or why there is no left back like they do on the continent, it’s all very interesting. I am looking forward to playing or being shipped out to a champions league club to help me settle in. What an adventure!”
