Top of the Flops (part two)

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Player Valuation: £70m
Time for the latest run down of how our glorious summer signings are getting on. Who will nab that prestigious Xmas number 1 slot..

1. Michael Keane. This months high climber. A man who gets bullied by his own shadow, rumour has it Michael once applied for the army, only to be turned down for being so flat footed.

2. Cuco Martina. Quite why Koeman thought that Southampton’s 3rd choice right back, a player they happily let go, was good enough for the Everton first team is a mystery even Scooby Doo couldn’t solve. And talking of Scooby, this guy doesn’t have one.

3. Davie Klassan. Out in the cold so much lately he has frostbite, Unsworth brought him back into the fray last night so he could show us what he does!? Answers on a postcard please.

4. Sandro Ramirez. Dropping down to number 4 after his first goal for the club, a man so bereft of confidence, i’d be surprised if he can cross a road, let alone a football.

5. Wayne Rooney. A slow climber this month, Wayne does everything slowly these days, apart from jumping to the defence of Unsy, in which he was lightening quick. Extra Jaffa cakes in training await.

6. Gylfi Sigurdsson. Must be delighted to be dropping so low in the chart, after an impact as underwhelming as the Millenium Bug. At least looks as though he’s played the game before, albeit at a low level.

7. Nikola Vlasic. The one bright spark of Koemans last few games, was duly snuffed out by Rhino. Thought perhaps he had eaten him until his cameo last night. The club won’t like his sisters tweets and she is surely for the high jump.

8. Jordan Pickford. The odd mistake has crept into Jordan’s game (loves a parry out to the centre forward) but then his mind must be shot to bits with an overwhelming sense of deja-vu. We really are Sunderland bad right now.

Tune in next month for that end of year chart..


Player Valuation: £70m
...very amusing. I’m surprised young Tom isn’t in there, he’s been very disappointing this season. Baines, too. Mind you, it’s harder to think of anybody who shouldn’t be listed.

Toffee Carl

Think Sigurdsson should be battling it out for top spot with Keane personally. Sigurdsson might just edge it because of the price tag and the amount of wasted effort the club put into signing him.


Player Valuation: £8m
..very good, you’re right. I was a critic but he’s been a breath of fresh air. Imagine 6 months ago bemoaning the fact he won’t be available for two games.

It feels like the world is upside down. Most people, myself included, were a bit too quick to write him off. For all his lack of finese he has demonstrated more fight and guile than the rest of the squad this season.

The binman chronicles

Player Valuation: £70m
Personally I think they all deserve top spot, perhaps they joined together to release "Do Evertonians know what football is anymore?"

I'm expecting Geldof and Bono to get on the case immediately to bring attention to the world of our current plight.
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