Jokes Thread


Kurt said:
No nerves touched here..... I just pity the state of a man you’ve become, I sincerely hope you overcome what difficulties you have and go on to live a rewarding and fulfilling life.
Idiot. Someone who takes pics of people without their consent, you absolute moron.


Best leave your camera at home though lol
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I
 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
Joey66 said:
He then told me this shaggy dog story which i will cut down - in the army he seen a young lady cadet soldier sat down on her own in the corner of the old type dance floor - She was a stunning blonde great figure and he had no luck all night dancing with a good looking female...
He asked her to dance , and off they waltzed together she was beautiful, great personality good dancer etc they were really getting close he was just about to offer to walk her to her billet as the music from the ban stopped he heard a clunking noise ...
I'm awful sorry she said its my wooden artificial leg ...
the lads I was with all got sucked in saying how awful it must have been for him experiencing that moment -
When he piped up you cant have sex with a girl with a wooden leg you no really we were now all sucked in -

No you have to use your Fourkin Richard.......

We threw our cups at him as his story lasted an age....
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It made me laugh. Here's a similar one:

A bald guy is very sensitive about not having any hair. His mate sets him up on a date with a young lady but there's only one problem. She has a wooden eye and is also very self conscious about it so under no circumstances is he to mention it. They go to the pictures have a great time and then he suggests they go for a meal. She says no. As they are saying goodnight he asks why she did not want to go for the meal. "I've got no money" she says. he replies "I'd have paid, wouldn't I" She looks at him in horror and answers "F*** off you baldy tw@t"
 
A married couple were waiting for their fifteen year old son to come home from a friends house. When he came home, he said to his parents, "Mom, Dad, I just had sex for the first time ever and it was great!" The mother looks at he husband and siad, "Well, he's your son, you talk to him." and then she left. The man looks at his son and says, "Son I am so proud of you that I am going to buy you that new bike you've been wanting. I just hope you don't mind waiting until payday to get it." the boy looks at his father and says, "I couldn't ride it now anyway, my ass is too sore..."
 

Name three fish that begin and end with the letter K




Give up?





Already?






Ok then

Killer Shark
Kwiksave Smoked Haddock
Kilmarnock



(The last one is a plaice in Scotland)
 

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