Jokes Thread

tommytowne said:
An octogenarian golfer mentioned to his son that after all the years of playing the game he was having to give it all up because of failing eyesight.

"I can hit the ball from the tee, but cannot see were the bugger lands, so what's the point of continuing?"

The old man's son said that he had the perfect answer, "I'll pair you up with another eighty something guy, who is renowned for his near perfect eyesight, got eyes like a shithouse rat. He'll certainly be able to see where your ball lands"

So there they are at the first tee playing together for the first time. The bloke with the poor eyesight says to his new playing partner "are you sure you can see where I am about to aim for"? "Sure I can said the other player".

So the first guy tees off hitting the ball sweet as a nut as it flies through the air down the fairway. A few seconds later he turns to his playing partner and asks where did his ball land.

"What ball" was the response!
Click to expand...

When I heard it 'I can't remember' was the punchline
 


A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out,

"Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
 

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie were sat at home one night bored... Lisa said “hey mike, why don’t we get s Chinese and a dvd ?”
Michael said “ yeah... can we get Aladdin ?”
Lisa replied “no mike, just food and a dvd ffs “
 
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then?

Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up?' "
 
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
 

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