Jokes Thread

[AndyC]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering... would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?"


Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[mezzrow]

 

[Toast]

What's Wayne Rooneys favourite Xmas song ?

Walking home for Christmas...

 

[Seathestars]

My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the Monkees, at first I thought she was joking, then I saw her face.

 

[chrissyjack]

Sergeant ...." I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning , Pvt Smith "

Pvt Smith ..." Thank you , sir "

 

[summerisle]

Daughter : daddy, can I have a kitten for Christmas ?
Me : no, you can have turkey like everyone else.

 

[gonetomorrow]

I was offered a job in a mirror shop but I just couldn't see myself working there.

 

[gonetomorrow]

What state has a lot of cats and dogs?

Petsylvania

 

[Milk]

Things you can only get away with saying at Christmas.....

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.

 

[longers]

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

 

[Dylan]

A US senator dies and goes to Heaven.

“There must be some mistake,” the senator argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty two!”

“Fifty two?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty five.”

“How’d you get that?” the senator asks.

St. Peter says, “We added up your time sheets.”

 

[summerisle]

 

[Joey66]

A young virgin decides she needs a tan for her curvaceous body so she gets on the top of her high flat roof on her sunbed in he skimpy bikini -
Scaffolders work on the building below is in progress -
She falls of the sunbed after dozing asleep in the sun,
300 feet she falls a scaffolder saves her life caching her horizontally in his arms-
Hey your a cute lass -as a bit of the bottom of her bikini exposes her badger can I kiss it?
Get lost she shouts-
Sod you he let's her drop another 300 feet horizontally-
Another scaffhoder catchers her and her pert jugs are exposed - who's he shouts can I kiss them - get lost you sex mainiac-
Sod it he drops her another 300 feet -
Another 3000 feet another Scaffolder catches her horizontally-
She shouts sod it have your way with me fgs -
He replies - you slut !!!
And drops her to the bottom of the building!

 

[LEONARD]

Look who cares if you suffer from erectile dysfunction,

stop being so hard on yourself.

 

[Dylan]

A young virgin decides she needs a tan for her curvaceous body so she gets on the top of her high flat roof on her sunbed in he skimpy bikini -
Scaffolders work on the building below is in progress -
She falls of the sunbed after dozing asleep in the sun,
300 feet she falls a scaffolder saves her life caching her horizontally in his arms-
Hey your a cute lass -as a bit of the bottom of her bikini exposes her badger can I kiss it?
Get lost she shouts-
Sod you he let's her drop another 300 feet horizontally-
Another scaffhoder catchers her and her pert jugs are exposed - who's he shouts can I kiss them - get lost you sex mainiac-
Sod it he drops her another 300 feet -
Another 3000 feet another Scaffolder catches her horizontally-
She shouts sod it have your way with me fgs -
He replies - you slut !!!
And drops her to the bottom of the building!

About all I got from that is a virgin fell from the tallest building in the world...3,900 feet is quite the drop!