Jokes Thread



A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you?”
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault.”
"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me.”
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer.”
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"


"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
 
AndyC said:
A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you?”
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault.”
"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear, then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me.”
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer.”
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"


"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
Click to expand...

Ooof, jokes about rape are a bit heavy :Blink:
 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about £50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.’

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten pound tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Mercedes.
 
There is a theory that there are only 5 jokes, and this is one of them...;)

AndyC said:
A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about £50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right.... I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.’

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten pound tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Mercedes.
Click to expand...

JammyP said:
Tramp knocks on the huge door of a well known Welsh former United player.

"Any chance of something to eat mate? I've not eaten for three days".

"Everything you see here I have earned by hard work, that's why I deserve it. But I'm a fair man. There is a gallon of white paint and a brush by my porch at the back of the house. Paint the porch and I will get the cook to knock something up for you".

Half an hour later the tramps is back at the front door.

"That was quick. I'll ring for the cook"

"Just one thing though mate, it wasn't a Porsche, it was a BMW...."
Click to expand...
 

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