Jokes Thread

[longers]

A man walks into a whorehouse and says to the madam: "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay £100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

The madam replies "The worst?! For £100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!"

He says "No, that's alright...I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[Kurt.]

My friend half-jokingly asked me:
Maybe you never had a girlfriend because you have a small di*k?
I said to him:
Oh, man, believe me, that's the smallest problem i have.

Actual what ?

 

[NEWSWEETTOFFEE]

Actual what ?

Eh, it sounded better in my head.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Why did the orange take a prune to the dance?



Because he didn't have a date!

 

[goodisonopheliac]

Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. He was dead.

 

[No Alla Violenza]

I’ve just applied for a job at Citroen

I had to send in 2 CV’s

 

[summerisle]

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone.
What kind of sick person does that to someone's advent calendar.

 

[AndyC]

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field ?

It was the pot calling the cattle black.

 

[Blue 1]

I can't believe Roy Moore came in at 48%.

I thought he'd come in the teens.

 

[AndyC]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

'Twenty quid,” she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!”

 

[ricardobee]

My last dog was allergic to lipstick.

Honestly, you couldn’t make it up

 

[summerisle]

And many, many more on his Twitter page.