Jokes Thread

Dylan said:
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
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@Andy C could you give me a quote for building a staircase?
 

My friend half-jokingly asked me:
Maybe you never had a girlfriend because you have a small di*k?
I said to him:
Oh, man, believe me, that's the smallest problem i have.
 


PhilEFC said:
As the congregation are waiting to enter Notre Dame, a person comes flying out of one of the bell tower windows and lands face down, blood splattered every where.

One of the women screams, “Is that Quasi Modo?!”, and her husband replies “No, but it’s a real dead ringer”.

Sorry!
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Here is a similar one:

A man with no arms walks in to a bell tower to apply for a job as the bell-ringer. He finds the proprietor and asks for a job. The proprietor says, "Well, sir, I don't think we'll be able to hire you. You have no arms with which to ring the bell." The man replies, "Sir, please. My father was a bell-ringer, my grandfather was a bell-ringer, I must ring the bells." The proprietor is skeptical, but offers him a trial, the armless man climbs the bell tower and at the appropriate time smashes his face into the bell making the most heavenly sound. He is hired on the spot. On his first day on the job, he once again walks up to the top of the tower he winds, up and smashes his head into the bell. BONG, BONG, BONG. The bell starts swaying back and forth, harder and faster, and eventually swings back and nocks the man out of the tower on to the cobblestones below. A little old man was sitting on a bench by the tower when this happened. A passerby saw as well and asks the old man, "Did you know him?" The old man said, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day another man with no arms walks into the same bell tower and applies for a job as the bell-ringer. He speaks with the proprietor who was shocked to find another applicant for the job so soon. The proprietor refused to give the job to the armless man. "No, the last bell-ringer didn't work out. I don't think you would be a good fit for the job." The armless man protested, "Sir, my father was a bell-ringer, my grandfather was a bell-ringer, my brother before me was a bell-ringer in this very tower. It is my destiny to ring the bells." Grudgingly, the proprietor offers him a trial. He too smashes his face into the bell and makes if anything an even sweeter sound than his brother managed. "Alright you are hired, but be careful." The armless man walks up to the top of the tower the next day to ring the bells. He begins to ring the bell with his face, BONG, BONG, BONG. The bell begins to build momentum, and eventually the bell swings back and nocks the man out of the tower on to the cobblestones below. The same little old man was sitting on the bench and a passerby walked by and saw the carnage. "Did you know him?" said the passerby. "No" said the old man, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
 
It's a really hot day and a penguin is driving and breaks down. He finally gets to the garage and the bloke behind the counter says 'that doesn't look good, I'll tell you what I'll have a look at it, come back in an hour.'

So the penguin walks off to a nearby shop and en route he passes an ice cream van. It's sweltering so he stops and gets a mr whippy, but because it's so hot it melts quickly and a bit goes down his front. Nonetheless he ploughs on and demolishes the ice cream.

He gets back to the garage and the mechanic turns to the pengiun, 'It looks like you've blown a seal'

The penguin replies, 'No no, it's ice cream, honest!!'
 

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