Jokes Thread


Old Fred was put into a nursing home against his will. Every day for a week, he called his son asking to come get him.
"Dad, you know we have no room here and both the wife and I have to work long hours. You're in the best place possible," the son replies, wearily.
Next day, Fred wakes up with the first boner he's had in years. A young nursing aide comes in, sees it and says, "Well, let's just take care of that, shall we?"
Fred is ecstatic and calls his son, telling him he wants to stay. The son asks why and Fred tells him what happened that morning. The son doesn't believe him, but says, "If that's what you want, dad, fine."
Next morning, Fred wakes up and falls getting out of bed. He's on his hands and knees with his nightgown up over his back, barearsed. A young orderly comes in, sees him and promptly rogers the old guy.
Right away, Fred's on the phone to his son, demanding he come get him.
"What's happened now?" the son asks.
Fred tells him, to which the son replies, "Gee, dad, don't they kind of cancel each other out?"
"Do they hell," the old man shouted. "I get a hard-on once a year but I fall down twice a day."
 


Old Fred gets moved to another nursing home and eventually strikes up a friendship with Mabel. It proceeds to the point where she would sit with him in his room, put her hands down his kecks and hold his johnson. This goes on for weeks until one day Mabel goes to his room and finds he's not there. Panicking, she goes to the nurse and asks about Fred's whereabouts.
"Oh, he's in Mildred's room," the nurse replies.
Mabel, furious, goes to Mildred's room and sure enough, there she was with her hand down his pants.
"Fred! How could you after all these weeks?" Mabel cries. "What has Mildred got that I don't?
"Parkinson's."
 
summerisle said:
Teacher : can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence ?
Billy : my dad has been painting the house all week. It's taking the contagious.
Click to expand...

There are a few variations but this is the full joke:

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mum, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”

“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”

“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the garden last week, and we saw the neighbour painting the outside of his house. He was using a 2 inch brush, my dad said it's going to take that contagious.”
 
An old soldier once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.

When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the local crematorium.
 

Welcome

Join Grand Old Team to get involved in the Everton discussion. Signing up is quick, easy, and completely free.

Register

Shop

Back
Top