Jokes Thread

A couple were invited to a swanky Hallowe'en costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He protested, but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished.... Naturally (since he was her husband).
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....”
 

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the Darts Team hadn't!
 

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the
phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.... A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli , a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account....
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage , I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him,
"You'll [Poor language removed] her again!"
 
Just had this e-mailed to me... made me larf...


I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook, while applying the same principles.

Every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I'm doing now, what I will be doing later and with whom, and where I'm going next. I also ask them to follow me along and watch me be important.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, washing the car, driving around town, eating lunch, getting a haircut, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and will be friends with them.

It all works just like Facebook.. only I do it face to face; not on a little glass screen.

I already have four people following me - two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
 

summerisle said:
Yoko Ono is going into the jungle to advise the contestants in I'm a celebrity get me out of here on Bush tucker survival techniques.
She's an expert, as she's managed to live off one Beatle for forty years.
Click to expand...

Think your avatar perfectly summarises my response to this joke...
 
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
 

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