Jokes Thread

A man called home to his wife and said,
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Scotland with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We’re leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"

“Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.

He said, "Yes! Lots of trout, some salmon and a couple of pike.

But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to?"

The wife replied, "I did!

They're in your fishing box!”

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was named “Timex”.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”


“Helllooooo...! ,” answered the blonde. “They're watchdogs.”
 
A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What's the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburettor.”

She instantly demands, “And just how often am I supposed to do that ???????”
 
Two Irish builders (Paddy and Séamus) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub in Dublin when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Paddy: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Séamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
Paddy: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for
the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at
the urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better
of the builder.
Paddy: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Paddy: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?
Paddy: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Paddy: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have
a large garden.
Paddy - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
a large garden then you have a large house?
Paddy: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?
Paddy: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Paddy:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Paddy: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Paddy: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Paddy: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Séamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Paddy - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Séamus: - What's that then?
Paddy: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Séamus: - Nope.
Paddy: - Well then, you're a w*nker..
 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol... Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke... Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup... Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms?"
 
AndyC said:
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was named “Timex”.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”


“Helllooooo...! ,” answered the blonde. “They're watchdogs.”
Click to expand...

AndyC said:
A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What's the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburettor.”

She instantly demands, “And just how often am I supposed to do that ???????”
Click to expand...
*reported for sexism
 


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