evertondotcom
Player Valuation: £15m
Professor Toffee has watched alot of Jimmy Carr recently then
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
The Australian Tax Office (ATO) decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the ATO office.
The ATO auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the ATO man's desk.
The auditor leap's with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney just moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney.
"This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an ATO official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
The ATO auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the ATO man's desk.
The auditor leap's with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney just moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney.
"This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an ATO official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to ask them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress, hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress, hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Who is the fastest person in the Bible ?
Adam, who was first in the human race.
Err, boom boom. Err bed.
Adam, who was first in the human race.
Err, boom boom. Err bed.
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A fireman was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walked over to take a closer look. 'That certainly is a nice fire engine,' the fireman said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little fireman,' he said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your engine but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
The little girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walked over to take a closer look. 'That certainly is a nice fire engine,' the fireman said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little fireman,' he said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your engine but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Donald Twain
Vide cor meum
Learnt a new sex position today called the 'parcel force' , you stay in all day and no-one comes !
Socrates
Player Valuation: £6m
It really happened.
Man 1 was Glen McGrath of Australia sledging in a match against Zimbabwe.
Man 2 was batsman Eddo Brandes.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Hear the news about the man who fell into an industrial grinder ?
He's fine now.
He's fine now.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat.. And nearly drowned !! Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen. Ye were born in August, ya eedjit!"
It seems that his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat.. And nearly drowned !! Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen. Ye were born in August, ya eedjit!"
Milk
Udderly delicious
The attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He turned around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He turned around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’
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