Jokes Thread

[The binman chronicles]

I just found out my wife is cheating on me, she said she was out with her friend Laura all evening, but Laura has been in bed with me for the past 2 hours. The lying, cheating beyatch, doesn't she respect the sanctity of marriage??

 

[Joey66]

You are in very fine form today Joey. I am very pleased that you seem to have made full recovery from the recent potassium ailments that bedevilled you. Keep up the good work!!

I was having one Banana a week and, stopped even that I ate it under ripe too -My good lady has altered my times on medication I take loads for my kidneys/diabetes, and so far so good have my off days, but you have cheered me up - I am totally polarised
every time I see a medical man he blames it on different tablets with no alternatives - see the endocrinologist soon!

 

[Dylan]

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

 

[Professor Toffee]

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas." - Mark Nelson

 

[Professor Toffee]

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." - Tim Vine

 

[Professor Toffee]

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." - Gary Delaney

 

[Professor Toffee]

I've got no problems buying tampons: I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'

 

[Professor Toffee]

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

 

[Professor Toffee]

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night

 

[Professor Toffee]

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well

 

[summerisle]

Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'In HD' was not the correct answer.

 

[Zezti]

 

[LEONARD]

It seem's that Idaho has the highest rates of depression, and extra-marital relationships.

A sad state of affairs.

 

[bluelord49]

The Royal Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all warships and aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Plymouth, a senior Admiral advised:
"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined £50 the first time”.
He continued: "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £150.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of £500. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a boot-neck from 45 Commando (Royal Marines) stood up in the crowd and inquired..
"Sir, how much for a season ticket ?"

 

[larbert toffee]

Went to see the Pretenders last night I was dissapointed, it was a tribute act--Tim Vine.