Jokes Thread

I just found out my wife is cheating on me, she said she was out with her friend Laura all evening, but Laura has been in bed with me for the past 2 hours. The lying, cheating beyatch, doesn't she respect the sanctity of marriage??
 

You are in very fine form today Joey. I am very pleased that you seem to have made full recovery from the recent potassium ailments that bedevilled you. Keep up the good work!!;)
I was having one Banana a week and, stopped even that I ate it under ripe too -My good lady has altered my times on medication I take loads for my kidneys/diabetes, and so far so good have my off days, but you have cheered me up - I am totally polarised;)
every time I see a medical man he blames it on different tablets with no alternatives - see the endocrinologist soon!
 


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The Royal Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all warships and aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Plymouth, a senior Admiral advised:
"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined £50 the first time”.
He continued: "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £150.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of £500. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a boot-neck from 45 Commando (Royal Marines) stood up in the crowd and inquired..
"Sir, how much for a season ticket ?"
 

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