Jokes Thread

Fella suspects his missus is playing about so surprises her with a weekday lunchtime visit with intention toward catching her 'flagrante delicto'.
The front door has the safety chain engaged...very suspicious; his wife lets him in and he charges around the apartment trying to find the fella cuckolding him.
A-ha! on the balcony railing he espies 2 grasping hands - a bloke is suspended there, 4 storeys high. So the jilted husband, grabs a heavy rolling pin from the nearby kitchen and smashes it down on the poor blokes knuckles...he loses grasp and plummets to his death...but not quite!...the cuckold sees him moving feebly on the ground below and, seeking a heavy object to drop on him, grabs the nearby refrigerator, heaves it to the balcony...and drops it square on top of the moaning fellow below...SPLAT...road pizza.
But the exertion has exacerbated cuckold's dicky ticker, he has a massive coronary and dies there and then.

Anyway, on his usual gate duty, St Peter greets a miserable looking soul. "What brings you here?"he asks. The bloke replies "Well you wouldn't believe it your holiness, but I'm exercising on my mini tramp on my 5th floor balcony when I jump too high and go over the side. I fall, but just manage to grab the balcony rails of the apartment below mine. Well, I'm hanging on for grim death like, and some nutter whacks me with a rolling pin FFS!
I fall, hit the ground terribly injured , and the same nutter then drops a massive fridge on me!!"
st Peter says"That's terrible...enter the kingdom of heaven my son"

A minute later another bedraggled soul appears and recounts why he's there. "Well, I caught my life having an afternoon tryst with this bloke who hid from me by hanging from my balcony; so I whacked his hands and he fell. But he wasn't dead so I grabbed a fridge, and dropped it in him...but my ticker blew a gasket...massive heart attack "
"A sad tale, enter the kingdom my son" says Peter

Just a bit later, a third sorry looking soul turns up. "And what is your tale of woe young man?" asks Peter.
"Well" replied the bloke, "it's a bit of a long story, but...see I'm hiding in this refrigerator ...
 
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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my house punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers ! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there ; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure ! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go ?"

Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
 
a bell maul said:
Fella suspects his missus is playing about so surprises her with a weekday lunchtime visit with intention toward catching her 'flagrante delicto'.
The front door has the safety chain engaged...very suspicious; his wife lets him in and he charges around the apartment trying to find the fella cuckolding him.
A-ha! on the balcony railing he espies 2 grasping hands - a bloke is suspended there, 4 storeys high. So the jilted husband, grabs a heavy rolling pin from the nearby kitchen and smashes it down on the poor blokes knuckles...he loses grasp and plummets to his death...but not quite!...the cuckold sees him moving feebly on the ground below and, seeking a heavy object to drop on him, grabs the nearby refrigerator, heaves it to the balcony...and drops it square on top of the moaning fellow below...SPLAT...road pizza.
But the exertion has exacerbated cuckold's dicky ticker, he has a massive coronary and dies there and then.

Anyway, on his usual gate duty, St Peter greets a miserable looking soul. "What brings you here?"he asks. The bloke replies "Well you wouldn't believe it your holiness, but I'm exercising on my mini tramp on my 5th floor balcony when I jump too high and go over the side. I fall, but just manage to grab the balcony rails of the apartment below mine. Well, I'm hanging on for grim death like, and some nutter whacks me with a rolling pin FFS!
I fall, hit the ground terribly injured , and the same nutter then drops a massive fridge on me!!"
st Peter says"That's terrible...enter the kingdom of heaven my son"

A minute later another bedraggled soul appears and recounts why he's there. "Well, I caught my life having an afternoon tryst with this bloke who hid from me by hanging from my balcony; so I whacked his hands and he fell. But he wasn't dead so I grabbed a fridge, and dropped it in him...but my ticker blew a gasket...massive heart attack "
"A sad tale, enter the kingdom my son" says Peter

Just a bit later, a third sorry looking soul turns up. "And what is your tale of woe young man?" asks Peter.
"Well" replied the bloke, "it's a bit of a long story, but...see I'm hiding in this refrigerator ...
Click to expand...
Ray winstone told it better.
 

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." —
 
A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?" —
 
"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.

Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
 


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