Jokes Thread


Don't think it was meant to be a joke.

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in Insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap…it's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

So the man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.






"We're having granite worktops and a new fridge-freezer."
 
quite an old one this, not sure if already posted:

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman for a bowl of grapes. The barman said that he did not have any grapes unfortuantely so the duck says that's a shame and toddles off out.

The following day the duck comes in again and asks for a bowl of grapes again. The barman says again he does not and that he doesn't ever have any in so to try elsewhere in future. The duck again leaves without any issue.

Again the the following day the duck comes in, the landlord is getting a bit angry at this point, thinking, why is he here again?! The duck, again asks if he has any grapes. Unsurprisingly he doesn't and this time raises his voice, he's very busy, lots of people in eating and drinking and this is not helping. He shouts at the duck saying 'look son, we don't have any effing grapes, we never will, and if you come in here again wasting my time again to ask I will nail yer bloody beak to the bar, do you hear me?' The duck again calmly leaves the pub unperturbed.

The next day the duck comes in, same time, pub just as busy. He approaches the bar, the barman's blood is boiling as he sees him walking in. The duck, calm as ever, today asks the barman, 'hi there, do you have any nails?'

'NAILS, NAILS, NO I DON'T HAVE ANY BLOODY NAILS, WHY WOULD I HAVE NAILS, THIS IS A PUB!!'

'Lovely,' the duck replies, 'so, do you have any grapes?'
 

Cels said:
My psychiatrist asked me: "As a young boy, did your mother ever beat you?"

I replied: "Let me make this very clear. My mother was never a young boy"
Click to expand...
I guess that might be possible if say you were adopted and your mum used to be a bloke but is now a member of the LGTB community. There a quite a few transgender care-givers these days.
 

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