Jokes Thread

No Alla Violenza · June 12, 2017

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your #### and go as a toffee apple.

summerisle · June 17, 2017

"My wife went to a terrible concert in SE Asia."
"Singapore ?"
"Terrible, and so was the rest of the band."

AndyC · June 21, 2017

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters "PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.

The rest of us are posting jokes on GOT lol

AndyC · June 21, 2017

I've just resigned my job at the helium balloon factory...

I'm not being spoken to like that !!!

Dylan · June 21, 2017

So, Barack Obama and Donald Trump found themselves at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

GBH73 · June 22, 2017

I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey but I managed to turn myself around.

And that's what it's all about.

Gwlacticos · June 24, 2017

What did the cowboy say when he walked into the car showroom?.

Audi.

bluelord49 · June 24, 2017

AndyC · June 27, 2017

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.

"No way! No needles, I hate needles!" the guy said.

So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again. "I can't do the gas thing either.

The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!"

She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

When she returns she says, "Here's a Viagra and a glass of water."

The guy says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" she said...

"But it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."

AndyC · June 27, 2017

bluelord49 · June 27, 2017

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’