Not like yours then you won't even change the lightbulb lol
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
This one may have already been posted:
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" At that point a man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" At that point a man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Milk
Udderly delicious
Well I bought my wife a new car for Christmas but she wasn't too happy.
" I wanted something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds" She said
So I bought her a set of bathroom scales ....
The old lady
Player Valuation: £750k
My mate's bird left him and took his bob marley collection and his satellite dish. Poor fella. No woman, no sky.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A religious young woman went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice..'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice..'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Donald Twain
Vide cor meum
oh gawd!
Little Ralphy
Player Valuation: £15m
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose men are more obedient. They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs his bodyguard to run and jump off the cliff. The bodyguard says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs one of his own bodyguards to jump off the cliff. The bodyguard runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The bodyguard says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
Vladimir Putin instructs his bodyguard to run and jump off the cliff. The bodyguard says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs one of his own bodyguards to jump off the cliff. The bodyguard runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The bodyguard says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'.
The wife apologised and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'.
The wife apologised and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'.
Philw
Player Valuation: £50m
An electrician from the US prison service has refused to do maintenance on the electric chair .He said, in his professional opinion , it was a death trap
bluelord49
Player Valuation: £8m
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful bedroom for the child.
The social workers raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
The social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet. In addition, there are 17 other children who travel with their circus parents."
The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon."
Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful bedroom for the child.
The social workers raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
The social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet. In addition, there are 17 other children who travel with their circus parents."
The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon."
I had an origami business , until it folded
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