Jokes Thread

[Florin]

Every night I have attractive women banging on my door.















Sometimes I let them out.

Spoiler

credit to Jimmy Carr

 

[toffeemax]

Oh you big tease,, ok, give us a clue.

something along the lines of I can jam my ... in ... but i cant marmalade it?

 

[bigbadjeff]

something along the lines of I can jam my ... in ... but i cant marmalade it?

Gotcha mate, many thanks.

 

[toffeemax]

Gotcha mate, many thanks.

I think so anyway, maybe it's much more innocent than that and I'm just a wrong'un!

 

[toffeemax]

I was trying to make a bike out of spaghetti, fussili and linguine.

my wife kept saying 'what are you doing.' 'It'll never work.'

You should have seen her face as I rode pasta.

 

[Ducans elbow]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade........I would probably get banned if I put the answer up,but thee that know

something along the lines of I can jam my ... in ... but i cant marmalade it?

Close .....you can't marmalade your C#@$ up your wife's @#$%

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade........I would probably get banned if I put the answer up,but thee that know

Close .....you can't marmalade your C#@$ up your wife's @#$%

lollol

 

[summerisle]

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that exploded ?
There was de brie everywhere.

 

[The binman chronicles]

I spent £5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another £2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent £2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 sponds on a blowjob for myself and she goes f****** nuts!!! Women, I can't figure them out!

 

[Dylan]

My wife is turning 32 soon.

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”



Sigh.

 

[Dylan]

Science build airplanes and massive buildings but faith brings them together.

 

[Jimmy Grimble]

What's the difference between a kopite and a trampoline?

 

[Jimmy Grimble]

How do you know ET was a Liverpool fan?

 

[Seathestars]

I was in the supermarket yesterday and there was some guy throwing yoghurt, milk and cheese all over the place.

I thought, how dairy.

 

[gonetomorrow]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.