Jokes Thread

AndyC · April 23, 2017

If Scotland gains its independence in any forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the “Former United Kingdom,” or FUK.

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting “yes” in the referendum, the Government is considering campaigning with the slogan “Vote NO, for FUK’s sake.”

Donald Twain · April 23, 2017

AndyC said:
If Scotland gains its independence in any forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the “Former United Kingdom,” or FUK.

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting “yes” in the referendum, the Government is considering campaigning with the slogan “Vote NO, for FUK’s sake.”

Swear filter alert

Philw · April 24, 2017

Dylan said:
Science build airplanes and massive buildings but faith brings them together.

Wowz

Florin · April 24, 2017

Dylan said:
Science build airplanes and massive buildings but faith brings them together.

Absolutely alibarbaric.

AndyC · April 24, 2017

Bob decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His new wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Tim, Darling, now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."
Bob looked horrified.
She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.” Bob replied.

“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"

“I haven't!” he replied.

Bungle · April 24, 2017

How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, let her cook in the dark.

Florin · April 24, 2017

AndyC said:
Bob decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His new wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Tim, Darling, now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."
Bob looked horrified.
She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.” Bob replied.

“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"

“I haven't!” he replied.

Must be that he reminded her of her ex-husband as well, seeing how she called him Tim instead of Bob.

NEWSWEETTOFFEE · April 24, 2017

OK, i am going to try to write one joke:

Yesterday, Suso and Sosa played so-so for Milan.

No Alla Violenza · April 25, 2017

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying ####. He's never been out of the garden!"

Chewbacca · April 26, 2017

It's a disgrace that only one company gets to make the game Monopoly

@ Steven Wright

chrissyjack · April 26, 2017

I've got a job as part of a human chess board

I'm on knights, this week

AndyC · April 27, 2017

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be £500."

Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £1000 back." (giving him a £10 note)
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer."