Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Right at the end of a TV programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, a cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United):
"That will be ten quid, mate".
“What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United):
"That will be ten quid, mate".
“What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"
UsernameEverton
Player Valuation: £500k
After sex a women asks the man can I scratch your balls? The man a bit confused says go ahead.
This then goes on for a couple of weeks every time they have sex.
Eventually the man asks why she keeps doing this in which she replies I'm not sure guess I just really miss scratching my own.
This then goes on for a couple of weeks every time they have sex.
Eventually the man asks why she keeps doing this in which she replies I'm not sure guess I just really miss scratching my own.
Donald Twain
Vide cor meum
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
Reminds me of the old Fatima Whitbread joke
Remember the one about how much chest hair she had
Went from her cleavage right down to her balls
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
In A&E at the moment with my son awaiting his test results after he swallowed a load of Lego. I'm a right but he's shittin' bricks.
Kurt.
Player Valuation: £100m
Heard she got stopped at customs once... they were shocked to find a pound of crack in her knickers
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Bill Gates must be an Evertonian...
A Kopite Trys to Set Password...
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
Kopite: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
Kopite: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
Kopite: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces
Kopite: 50damnboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
Kopite: 50DAMNboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
Kopite: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
Kopite: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use
A Kopite Trys to Set Password...
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
Kopite: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
Kopite: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
Kopite: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces
Kopite: 50damnboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
Kopite: 50DAMNboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
Kopite: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
Kopite: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use
Gladystweet
Player Valuation: £50m
Wildlife photographer goes to Africa to film elephants. 2 weeks later, no sign of him, so a search party is sent out. They search high and low and eventually find him moaning and groaning in the bush. Search party ask him what happened and he replies "I was filming a family of elephants, but didn't realise I was being stalked by the bull. He crept up behind me and carried me away to have his wicked way"
The medic in the team decided to examine him and is shocked by the size of his arse hole . "I told you, I was ravaged" says the photographer"
"Hang on" says the medic "an elephants todger is as wide as a coke can, your hole is as wide as dinner plate"
The photographer groans "yeah I know, but he fingered me first". !!!!!
The medic in the team decided to examine him and is shocked by the size of his arse hole . "I told you, I was ravaged" says the photographer"
"Hang on" says the medic "an elephants todger is as wide as a coke can, your hole is as wide as dinner plate"
The photographer groans "yeah I know, but he fingered me first". !!!!!
...why was the pie waiting on the corner?
....because he was meetin' potato.
....because he was meetin' potato.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other and they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other and they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Kenshin
Player Valuation: £40m
Man comes home drunk one night and climbs into bed and swiftly falls asleep. He awakes to find himself outside the pearly gates being greeted by st Peter. Peter informs him he died from alcohol poisoning and has came up to heaven. 'Can't you just send me back?' Says the man, to which he is informed the only way he can return to earth is as a chicken. The man agrees and is sent down into a body of a chicken.
He awakes to see himself on a farm surrounded by other chickens. One of them says to him, how's it going? He replies grrst, but I feel like I'm going to blow up in my belly. 'Oh that is an egg, you have laid an egg before haven't you?' He replies No, so the chicken informs him to loosen his anus and let it out. He does and has a massive wave of relief when the egg pops out. A little while later he starts to get the feeling again so he follows the advice and out pops another egg.
Just as the feeling started coming back again he is hit with a massive blow and he turns around and his wife is there back in his bed. The wife shouts at him 'get up Mick ffs you are sh**ting the bed! "
He awakes to see himself on a farm surrounded by other chickens. One of them says to him, how's it going? He replies grrst, but I feel like I'm going to blow up in my belly. 'Oh that is an egg, you have laid an egg before haven't you?' He replies No, so the chicken informs him to loosen his anus and let it out. He does and has a massive wave of relief when the egg pops out. A little while later he starts to get the feeling again so he follows the advice and out pops another egg.
Just as the feeling started coming back again he is hit with a massive blow and he turns around and his wife is there back in his bed. The wife shouts at him 'get up Mick ffs you are sh**ting the bed! "
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Why mention golf ?
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