I love walking through the park listening to the children run around and scream.
They don't know there are blanks in my gun.
They don't know there are blanks in my gun.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
When Chuck Norris calls 911, it’s to ask if everything is okay.
No Alla Violenza
Player Valuation: £8m
Today is Jim's birthday, so his wife decides to surprise him, she takes him to a Strip Club.
At the club -
DOORMAN: Hey Jim! How are you?
WIFE: How does he know you?
JIM: We play Golf together!
BARTENDER: The usual beer Jim?
WIFE: And how does he know you?
JIM: He's on the Bowling Team!
HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, Jim?
The Wife storms out...... dragging Jim with her, into a taxi
TAXI DRIVER: Hey Jimmy boy....You picked an ugly one this time...Same Hotel?
At the club -
DOORMAN: Hey Jim! How are you?
WIFE: How does he know you?
JIM: We play Golf together!
BARTENDER: The usual beer Jim?
WIFE: And how does he know you?
JIM: He's on the Bowling Team!
HOT STRIPPER: The special Lap Dance again, Jim?
The Wife storms out...... dragging Jim with her, into a taxi
TAXI DRIVER: Hey Jimmy boy....You picked an ugly one this time...Same Hotel?
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I was at a funeral and asked the priest for the Wi-Fi password.
"Have some respect for the dead " shouted the priest.
I replied, "is that all lower case ?"
"Have some respect for the dead " shouted the priest.
I replied, "is that all lower case ?"
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem.
The magician had a parrot in the act and the parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it’s not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!” or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
In fact, the act became a comedy act and the magician was in demand on every cruise ship.
Then one stormy night in the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician, luckily, found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea and, as fate would have it...with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day...
and then 2 days.
and then 3 days.
Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the f-----g ship?"
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem.
The magician had a parrot in the act and the parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once the parrot understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it’s not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!” or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
In fact, the act became a comedy act and the magician was in demand on every cruise ship.
Then one stormy night in the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician, luckily, found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea and, as fate would have it...with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day...
and then 2 days.
and then 3 days.
Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the f-----g ship?"
Kurt.
Player Valuation: £100m
A blonde broke down on her way to work one day so called the breakdown service. When the mechanic arrived he popped the bonnet, fiddled around for 10 minutes , dropped the bonnet, got in the drivers seat and the car started first time and purred line a cat.
"Wow thankyou.. what was wrong with it ?" Asked the blonde.
"Shitte in the carburettor " said the mechanic.
"Oh" said the blonde " how often do I need to do that ?"
"Wow thankyou.. what was wrong with it ?" Asked the blonde.
"Shitte in the carburettor " said the mechanic.
"Oh" said the blonde " how often do I need to do that ?"
johnjoeefc
Player Valuation: £30m
I went to the jewellers and said, 'can i buy a watch?'
The jeweller said, 'analogue?'
I said 'no thanks, just the watch.'
The jeweller said, 'analogue?'
I said 'no thanks, just the watch.'
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I tried to sign up to a website the other day.
I put my password as "beefstew" but it said the password was "stroganoff".
I put my password as "beefstew" but it said the password was "stroganoff".
Holly: Hope they've got a few odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister: Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister: [looks at his cup in horror] Dog's milk?!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it
Lister: Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister: [looks at his cup in horror] Dog's milk?!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it
Kurt.
Player Valuation: £100m
Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie were sat on the sofa at Neverland Ranch one night, Lisa said "Michael, i'm bored and there's nothing on the TV, shall we get some take out food delivered and a DVD ?"
Michael replied " Ooh yeah.... can we get Aladdin ? "
Lisa " no Michael, just the food and a film"
Michael replied " Ooh yeah.... can we get Aladdin ? "
Lisa " no Michael, just the food and a film"
welshtoffee
Player Valuation: £30m
Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them.
Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them.
Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas
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