Jokes Thread


A priest, minister and rabbi wanted to see who’s best at his job.

They all go into the woods and each find a bear and attempt to convert it.

Later in the week they meet and the priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

The minister found his bear by a cool stream of water. “ I preached God’s Holy Word. The bear believed and was baptized.”

They both looked down at the rabbi who was in the hospital room in a body cast. “Looking back” he said “maybe I shouldn’t have started by telling him about circumcision”.
 
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

“Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.”
 
There is a sign at a gas station here in Seattle that does some decent gags

funny-signs-gas-station-wallingford-chevron-seattle-propane-74__700.jpg
 

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

Statistics just released from Statistics Australia and the United Nations BOH Team reveal that:

1. Australian men between 55 and 85 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas...

2. Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of the GOT Mod Team as none of us had any idea we were Japanese ;);)

@Groucho @roydo @micknick @The Esk @GrandOldTeam @Dylan @Dutch Toffee
 
AndyC said:
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

Statistics just released from Statistics Australia and the United Nations BOH Team reveal that:

1. Australian men between 55 and 85 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas...

2. Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of the GOT Mod Team as none of us had any idea we were Japanese ;);)

@Groucho @roydo @micknick @The Esk @GrandOldTeam @Dylan @Dutch Toffee
Click to expand...

Strewth Cobber ....
 
AndyC said:
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

Statistics just released from Statistics Australia and the United Nations BOH Team reveal that:

1. Australian men between 55 and 85 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas...

2. Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of the GOT Mod Team as none of us had any idea we were Japanese ;);)

@Groucho @roydo @micknick @The Esk @GrandOldTeam @Dylan @Dutch Toffee
Click to expand...
Twice a year?

You stud muffins.
 
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were somecasualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!'
 

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered...





"Is that one word or two?"
 
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.



WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
 

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