Jokes Thread


A man is in bed with his wife when there's a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the
morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his
wife. So he gets out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the
door and there is man standing at the door.

"Hi there." says the fella at the door in a camp voice, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get
lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the
door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says
"that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in
the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up and
you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would
have happened if he'd told us to sod off??"


So the husband out of bed again, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yes
please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And he hears the effeminate voice : "I'm over here, on the swing."
 
Two doddering old blokes sat in a park.
"I fancy an ice cream. - you?" says one.
Yes please, one with a bit of flake in it, oh, and some 100s and 1000s sprinkled on it too"
Aware his mate's memory was well shot with age he gets him to repeat the order.
Anyway, about 20 mins later the old fella returns with a meat pie
"Oh, you bloody idiot" says the other, "I knew you'd forget the tomato sauce!"
 
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a gun on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep... none of us could get the damned jar open!'
 
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.
So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?"
Small voice whispered, "Yes, he's out in the garden,"
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

So the boss asked, "Well, is your Mommy there?"
"Yes, she's out in the garden too."
The boss asked; "May I talk with her?"
Again the ‘No’.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes", whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, He's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men."

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"It's a helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
"The search team just landed a helicopter."
"A search team?" said the boss. "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...



"Me"
 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
 
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
 

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