Jokes Thread

[The Celtic View]

Ladies.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

I have to admit I can be insensitive, and at times selfish.

You know those condoms that are "Ribbed for her pleasure"? I turn them inside out...

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

A man goes to a £10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten quid? Lobster?"

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[cwright75]

In the winter i opened the window to try and catch the fog,
MIST

Did you know i have the heart of a lion,
Im banned from the zoo tho

 

[cwright75]

I said to the mrs your drawing your eyebrows to high,
she looked surprised.

I dated a tennis player once ,
love meant nothing to her.

 

[cwright75]

bumped into a fella this afternoon , he said to me my sex life is getting stale - i said how old are you and your wife , 91 and 88 - so when did you start to discover this then , he said twice last night and once this morning . lol

 

[cwright75]

dont make mistakes on safari , i was standing naked and a elephant walked over to me , looked me up and down and said how on earth do you breathe thru that and laughed

 

[Kurt.]

What do you call an Irishman trying to break up a fight ?

Liam Malone

 

[Seathestars]

The founder of Dulux paints has been found frozen to death on a Mountain top.

A police spokesman said he could have done with one more coat

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Cat gets taken the vet with covid symptoms.
Vet says to the owner.
"Yes ,unfortunately your cat has the virus"
The cat was heard saying "me 'ow?"

 

[summerisle]

 

[deipnosophist]

two blokes in a pub and one says to the other :"I had a weird dream last night, Everton had won a cup"

...they both fell about the place in hysterics

 

[tommytowne]

Two bulls in a field.
Younger bull says to the old timer, "see those cows over there, let's run over to them and shag a couple of them"
Old bull says "let's walk over and shag them all"

 

[degsy]

Two bulls in a field.
Younger bull says to the old timer, "see those cows over there, let's run over to them and shag a couple of them"
Old bull says "let's walk over and shag them all"

Tags in @Methuselah to see how old that joke was when He first heard it

 

[tommytowne]

Tags in @Methuselah to see how old that joke was when He first heard it

Not up to my usual level admittedly, but having seen the efforts of our new fellow poster @cwright75 I thought I'd chuck it in there.