Joke thread

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Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

>>> >> When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
>>> >>
>>> >> A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
>>> >> But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
>>> >>
>>> >> The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
>>> >> This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
>>> >>
>>> >> The nun fainted...........
 

This might not be funny but will it amuse:shock:

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implant s and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
These are two of the worst I've heard (so naturally I have to inflict them on you lot):

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat in front of the fire? He melted.


A man walks into a bar.........................ouch!
 

These are a good laugh, some old some not so

>
>
> A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a
> Florida
> mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the
> bench.
>
> After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
>
> He replies, "I lived here years ago."
>
> "So, where were you been all these years?"
>
> "In prison," he says.
>
> "Why did they put you in prison?"
>
> He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
>
> "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

> Another two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and
> she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
>
> One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
>
> The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went
> on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage
> to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
>
> After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes.
> Yes,> I will."
>
> The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
>
> Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He
> couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a
> faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as we ll as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired.
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
>
> He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I
> meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you
> called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new
> hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
> It's perfect."
>
> "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
>
> "Twelve thirty."
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates
> Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
> walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple
> of
> days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing
> great,
> aren't you?"
>
> "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" Morris
> replied.
>
> To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a
> heart murmur. Be careful!
 
For Pete the Postie

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM




PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER






ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER






DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT






THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE






GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE






THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS






SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME






ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY






ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT






SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S






A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE






THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE






ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE







AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
 
Proof that the World is Nuts!
>
>
>
> In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
> animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
> punishable by death.
>
> Like THAT makes sense, Chico please note!
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
> is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He
> may only see their reflection in a mirror.
>
> Do they look different reversed?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
> applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
> with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
>
> A brick??
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
>
> Much worse than "going blind!"
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
> and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
> sex for the first time.
> Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
>
> Let's just think about this one for a minute.
> Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to
> this?
>
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
> In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
> adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
> husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
> manner desired.
>
> Ah! Justice!
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
> tropical fish stores.
>
> But of course!
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
> first time this happens,
> her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
>
> Makes one shudder at the thought.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> In Santa Cruz, Bolivia,! it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> woman and her daughter at the same time.
>
> I presume this was a big enough problem that they
> had to pass this law?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
> one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
> only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
> the premises."
>
> Is this a great country or what?
> Well, not as great as Guam!
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
>
> Who volunteers for this stuff?
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
>
> Is that why Flipper was always smiling?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> An ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
> weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
>
>
> From drinking little bottles of what? Did the government pay for this
> research?
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
> Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
> Ah, geeze.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
> I know some people like that.
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> Starfish don't have brains.
>
> I know some people like that, too!
>
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> And, the best for last.......
> Turtles can breathe through their butts.
>
> And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!
>
 
thought you’d like these!
>
>
>
> Justbefore the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
> elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she
> replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker
> commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
>
> --- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you
> think i s the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She
> simply replied, "No peer pressure."
>
> --- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
> eggs.
>
> --- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
> replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
> blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
> different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
> blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly
> feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have
> lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
>
> --- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
> doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
> decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
> gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
> time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
>
> --- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
> she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
> second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the
> preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters
> visit me twice a week"
>
> --- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not
> as sharp as it used to be.
>
> --- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
>
> --- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my
> body are just prone to swinging.
>
> --- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
> coffeemaker.
>
> --- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For
> fast relief."
>
> --- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but
> they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
>
> --- Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes. Think of it as your
> inner child playing with matches.
>
> --- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
>
> --- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
> old because you stop laughing.
>
> --- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I
> never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
> the eyesight to tell the difference.
 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never

seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls
opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Go get your mother."
 
montyblue said:
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM




PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER






ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER






DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT






THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE






GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE






THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS






SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME






ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY






ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT






SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S






A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE






THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE






ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE







AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
Click to expand...


Thanks for the dedication, Monty. Those are brilliant! Where did you get them from?
 
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She was not bad looking for 67. We drank a bit & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double; a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.

We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs, "Mum you still awake?"
 

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