Joke thread

[monty]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She was not bad looking for 67. We drank a bit & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double; a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.

We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs, "Mum you still awake?"

 

[monty]

[Please remember, I just pass them on!]


Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to
stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a
room for the night.

'Certainly madam,' he replied courteously.

'Is the restaurant open still?' inquired Mary.

'Sorry, no,' came the reply, 'but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from this menu?' Mary smiled and took the
menu and perused it. 'Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,' said Mary.

'Certainly, madam,' he replied.

'And can I have breakfast in bed?' asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

'In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,' Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the
night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check
out. The same guy was still on the desk.

'Morning madam...sleep well?' 'Yes, thank you,' Mary replied.

'Food to your liking?' 'Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was
exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs,
though....they really weren't that nice at all,' replied Mary truthfully.

'Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments
Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your
opinion,' said the receptionist.

'OK, I will...thanks!' replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment
into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had
written.

Scroll down




















'Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!'

 

[monty]

> I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>
> A half-gallon of 2% milk,
>
> A carton of eggs,
>
> A quart of orange juice,
>
> A head of lettuce,
>
> A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
>
> A 1 lb. package of bacon.
>
>
>
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of cashier.
>
> >
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
> about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
> >
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
>
>
>
> The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

 

[monty]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring,"he says, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him..

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Chicken wit broccoli?"

 

[monty]

Life in the Australian Army...


Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of
you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the
far south west of Queensland)


Dear Mum & Dad,


I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!


At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p*ss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!


Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.


Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.


I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,


Sheila

 

[monty]

> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
> to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
> now. The man should be here soon."
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
> Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
>
> "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
> expecting you."
>
> "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
> know babies are my speciality?"
>
> "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
> seat"
>
> After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
>
> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
> floor is fun You can really spread out there."
>
> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
> me!"
>
> "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
> try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
> I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>
> "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
> and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
>
> "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
> baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
>
> "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
> mother was so difficult to work with."
>
> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
> job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
> good look"
>
> "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
>
> "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
> The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
> concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
> Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
> to pack it all in."
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
> uh...equipment?"
>
> "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
> and we can get to work right away."
>
> "Tripod?"
>
> "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
> too big to be held in the hand very long."
>
> Mrs. Smith fainted

 

[monty]

Thanks for the dedication, Monty. Those are brilliant! Where did you get them from?

Sorry Pete, missed your question mate, they just landed here from a mate down south, saw them and thought how many crossword compilers do I know

 

[monty]

Old one but..........


An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?"
the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree
and tree makea nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the
boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the
number is 99." The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree .
"Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you
get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty
tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules
again, but represent the number 100." The Italian stares into space some more,
then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the
base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss
looks at the attemp "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and says, "A little doga come along and poopa by eacha tree. So
now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, data makea one hundred.

So, when I a start ?b)

 

[monty]

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two
kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The
Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling
long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.The oldest one's 9 and the other
one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or
just stupid?" I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. I
just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

 

[Welton Toffee]

That's ace monts

 

[monty]

"Fifty quid is fifty quid"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair
every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,
I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty
quid."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and
Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't
ride that helicopter, I might never get another
chance."
To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is
fifty quid and fifty quid is fifty quid."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll
make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say
a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word,
it's fifty quid."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a
word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and
over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost
said something when Esther fell out, but you know,
fifty quid is fifty quid

 

[Dylan]

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two
kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The
Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling
long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.The oldest one's 9 and the other
one's 6. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or
just stupid?" I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. I
just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing worn out flip-flops exposing her cracked heels and filthy toenails.

When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The woman stops screaming long enough to say,

"Hell no they ain't!The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins?

Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "But I just find it hard to believe that someone had sex with you twice."

WTLW!!!!!!

(Welcome to last week) (Click the arrow in the quote next to my name )

 

[chicoazul]

Whats E.T. short for?

Because he has little legs.


Thats the only joke I know/will tell.

 

[monty]

WTLW!!!!!!

(Welcome to last week) (Click the arrow in the quote next to my name )

so, why wasn't in the Joke thread, come on smart arse, why tell us, how do expect people to follow things if you post all over the place Jeeeeez

 

[Dylan]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed In Pittsburgh